Snapshots of Life

Nothing like good old friends....

2010-04-23T01:47:00.007+08:00

Finally, after what seems like decades, the 3 of us have managed to spend a weekend together. Audrey and Yin Ling (a.k.a Agnes) - my best university mates, finally made their way to good old Kuantan, so that the 3 of us could catch up on each other. I must say, physically, they look as young as ever, but we all realize our thinking has changed pretty much.

Dinner at an atmospheric Malay eatery, called 'Padi - Tom Yam.' There are fish ponds and aquariums within this restaurant, and the 'tom yam' is delicious! Over at Padi, my 'old' friends got to meet my 'new' friend, Andrew, who was just about to have his dinner alone, accompanied by a faithful book. Well, the more the merrier! *Thanks for dinner, Andrew :)

*Audrey, you know we canoed under the scorching heat, pricking our feet in the burning sand, just for you!:P And who would have thought, we actually attempted playing 'batu seremban' with sand balls!

Audrey, a self-declared 'water sapien' has earned her name as she got us into the canoe. She is totally in love with anything and everything to do with the sea, sand and sun! Splashing water all over us, as we sang 'Row, row, row your boat....." Audrey was like a fully charged battery while we were merely surviving. I have to say, I enjoyed every minute of it, despite the not exactly enticing weather.

Not forgetting the 'Turtle Sanctuary' of course...pleasant views of Nemo's ocean friends - educational indeed.

*We did experience a misadventure after canoeing - a flat tyre, and a flat spare tyre! Thank God for a friend nearby who saved us from being stranded on the streets! So much for the conspiracy theory, huh, Yin Ling! Ha ha..

*I am currently down with flu, fever and a bad cough after the extreme weather conditions during the weekend. 3 days medical leave...he he .....But I count it worth the trade:P Wouldn't have liked it any other way!

As with every visit from my good friends, I get really excited and cherish every moment of it. Audrey & Yin Ling - missing you already!

Out of the Rut

2010-01-19T08:03:00.002+08:00

The weekend is something I always look forward to. Off days, staying up late, waking up when the sun is out, doing laundry, cleaning the house, meeting up with friends, going to church… But a strange feeling came over me this time. Something I had never felt before. Complete boredom, eliminating the mood to do anything at all, and it really surprised me as the year had just begun.

I got home after work on Friday; I went out to the driving range to hit some ball with my colleagues. Instead of improving, I seemed to worsen with every hit. The previous day, I had at least reached at 70 meters. But this time, when I hit one of the balls, it just jumped up and landed about 10 cm away! I thought no one was watching but my colleague laughed, saying, “What are you doing? That’s not even one step away!” So, the two guys laughed hilariously at me, but it felt ok, coming from my ‘teacher’ :P And I was glad I was right at the end of the line, with only my colleagues beside.

I got back home feeling exhausted by a straining, yet unproductive session. Friday night, everybody had something on. So, I just came home, and thought I’d watch television – a luxury since I hardly sit and watch any shows in a long stretch. Every other day, I’d usually watch the news, and type away on my laptop, or surf the net. “No laptop or internet for tonight!” I vowed to myself. In fact, the sight of the black bag made me want to puke. So, I stayed up and watched the America Idol audition. Some contestants were superb and I already have a favorite. Although it’s just the beginning stage, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that he’ll make it to the final 5. On the lighter side, 62 year old guy came and danced sort of hip hop to an original song; it was totally hilarious and the lyrics are still in my head, “Get your pants off the ground, get your pants off the ground, looking like a fool with your pants on the ground!” :P

Saturdays are when I usually do my laundry; sun them out in the morning so they’ll be dry by the end of the day. However, this time round, I woke up by 8, put on my sports shoes, and drove to McD. I packed a burger and sat down by the beach, savoring my Fillet O’Fish. After taking a leisurely walk, I drove to the driving range. Dissatisfied with my performance on Friday, I took a basket of a 100 balls. My ‘teacher’ was away on a golf tournament, so I headed for my usual spot at the edge, knowing that I’d be alone. I was the only lady there, and it felt comfortable to be left alone. But just like the day before, every hit brought the balls nearer, and nearer to me. “What is wrong with me?” I asked myself in disappointment. A hundred balls and no progress! Embarrassing, in fact! To be the only one to cause the first 50 meters of the green field to stand out with the hits of a terrible swinger; there was nowhere to bury my face!

Every now and then, I noticed a few of the senior men observing me swing the iron and it only added to my pressure to hit it right, but to no avail. Finally, after an hour or so, I decided to just sit and observe how these veterans play. There was one particular man with whom I always exchanged greetings but we never spoke more than a few words. As I approached him, he commented, “You’ve been hitting it for some time, but it doesn’t seem to go any further. I’ve been wanting to teach you but you always go so far away. And I replied, “Yeah, that’s why I came to watch how you play.” He was giving this other man beside him a few pointers on how to swing. After more than half an hour of observation and picking up some tips, I felt motivated to try again. This time, in the centre of the line, beside him.

I just took 3 swings, and he noticed my mistake. He said I was too stiff. I gripped the iron so tight that I could almost squeeze it. He also said I thought too much; trying to achieve perfection. “Follow the routine quickly, and just do it. The more you think, the stiffer you become,” he said. To me, that was easier said than done. He taught me a few basic hand exercises to loosen my grip. I found that exercise quite difficult to do as it required carrying the iron with just one hand. I lacked the physical strength. A few spaces away, his little son was having a conversation about me with another kid, “Pity that elder sister...” they said. Ha ha….However, after a few attempts, with his guidance, I started to get the hang of it. It was a time of unlearning and relearning. Not before long, I made it past 50 meters! Now, that really made my day!:) A funny incident to add to that, another uncle came and asked, “Whose daughter is this? I thought of bringing my daughter to play too.” He was totally shocked when I said I was already working, since he assumed I was a student. Another man beside delivered some words of wisdom, “Do not judge a person by appearance.” Although I went there alone that day, I actually ended up having a good time with my new acquaintances. I realized that there are nice people everywhere who are actually willing to share, if I can let go of my inhibitions and embrace them. As the saying goes, the teacher appears when the student is ready.

I left the driving range feeling good, but I didn’t feel like going home just yet. There was nothing motivating once I reached my doorstep, so I simply drove around, enjoying the fresh air and greenery of the vicinity, with LiteFM playing “What a Wonderful World” in the background. Somehow, the malls did not entice me. Running out of ideas of where else to go, I decided to park in the Gelora Park. I was surprised a few people were actually exercising in the heat of the afternoon. There were a couple of families having a picnic, and a few lovebirds sitting by the beach As I started strolling, I understood how people could actually exercise under what seemed like the scorching sun – the trees made perfect shade and the wind had such a cooling effect. With each step I took, I began to see things I never noticed before although I frequent the place for jogs in the midst of many runners. For instance, the beauty of a monitor lizard’s skin when it’s in the water, and that there are white storks beside the lake, perched so firm and blending in as if they were placed as ornamental objects, 3 caterpillars crawling, and a few pretty butterflies; not forgetting the blooming water lilies.

I sat with the sea before me, the wind blowing gently onto my face. Such tranquility…I knew I could just sit for hours; a perfect environment for prayer and contemplation. It felt like a date with God. My heart went out for those affected by the Haiti earthquake, surrounded by destruction while I was so blessed to enjoy such serenity. I prayed for those who were fighting for survival and for grace as they pick up their lives. I was filled with thankfulness for all that I have and how far I’ve come. As I recalled my times of depression and took in the beauty that surrounded me, I thanked the Lord for opening my eyes to see that everything I was looking for was here all along. Gratitude filled my heart as I thought about my colleagues and friends; my ‘teacher,’ my assistant, friends who came any left, and those who are still here….everyone who had a part to play in bringing me out from my shell… the people who didn’t give up on me when I settled for my comfort zone.

My friends in the city came to my mind as I recalled chatting with them online; weekends are when they go clubbing, partying till the morning, meeting new people …doing stuff which people call ‘life’….. some even classify friends above 30, as old. I told God, “I don’t know what it’s like to live like most people my age, in the city. How would I be if I were sent there? The people I meet are like double my age, my activities are rather quiet ... but the thing is, I enjoy it! God spoke to me through the words of a youth pastor I recall sharing with a few years ago. He said, “You have a life. It’s just different from others.” Indeed, indeed. And I continued my refreshing session of learning from the past, and thinking about the person I would like to be.

I still didn’t feel like going home just yet after chatting with God, so I exercised. I brisk walked – 2 rounds. Then I drove to the mini zoo and watched the cute beavers. An interesting thing to note – they love to share. I saw a little one grab a piece chicken and scurry away. I presumed he must be trying to find a place to eat it alone. But he didn’t. Instead he went to his friend and gave it to her (or him, I don’t know). Then she passed it back to him, and he passed it back to her. This went on for a few times, until they finally shared it. So sweet J … After that I drove back to the beach, crossed the bridge to the other end and walked back again. I enjoyed another burger while sitting on the rocks, observing the crowd. Man, I sure did a lot of walking that day! Finally, feeling mentally and emotionally refreshed, but physically exhausted, I headed home.

After abstinence from internet and the laptop, at last, I am tapping my little fingers on the keyboard once again. So, it should come as no surprise, why I have so much to say! My long afternoon sleep also explains why while I am still awake at 2.30am when I should be in bed. I suppose, every now and then, it’s essential to get out of the rut, to spend time with one’s self and be revived. And it doesn’t necessarily mean doing something phenomenal. Just a simple change can make a whole world of difference! Enough said for now, have a productive week ahead!

-JJ-

From There to Here

2009-10-07T11:12:00.000+08:00

Phew!!! Tiring but meaningful and fun! That is the way I’ll always remember my last weekend – 2nd to 4th October 2009.

Being in the organizing committee of community project in the interiors of Jerantut, it was an adventure to spend the weekend in the village.

Before the journey began, I had wanted to withdraw money from an ATM on the way as I only had RM 20 with me. But then we missed the ATM and my colleague who was driving said I wouldn’t need any money, and even if I did, I could just use his. So I agreed. (I’ll get back to the ATM issue at the end of the story…he he)The journey to Jerantut was more than 2 hours, and the winding road did make it more tiring. The accommodation provided was the homes of the villagers, where 2 people were hosted by a family. However, I was entitled to a hotel room in the rainforest resort. Having 3 other girls in my committee, I invited them to share the room with me, asking them to bring their sleeping bags along.

It was a cold, rainy day, when we reached. And it took us another half an hour to reach the resort from the village. Upon reaching the room, there were 2 single beds and my assistant had this splendid idea of two us sharing a single bed as we were not very big sized. Well, we fitted in the beds….but my assistant kept tossing and turning and I don’t think I slept well that night. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the company. It was the first time, by the way, that I invited a few others to share my room.

The next morning, I was the first to rise at 6 a.m. I entered the bathroom and turned on the hot shower as I felt really, really cold. I could hear the water pressure rising but there was no sign of water. I turned on the tap but there were only drops of water. After waiting for about 10 minutes, I realized that was going to be my bathing water! So, in my shivers, I cupped the droplets of water in my hands, my fingers tightly closed, pouring it onto myself, little by little.
After that I told my girls to get ready one by one, my assistant being the last. She was the funniest of all! She never stopped mumbling and complaining in a very comical way about the water problem, from the minute she woke up till the time she got out of the bathroom! She was basically talking to herself the whole time, while the rest of us laughed at the ‘morning entertainment’ she was giving…ha ha!

After breakfast, we got a ride to the village from another officer who was at the resort. The four of us crammed into the back seat, and my assistant still didn’t stop talking! She went on and on about how long and winding the journey was, her headache, her stomach ache etc…the journey was about 35 minutes. My three girls kept swaying from the left to the right until I told them to fasten their seat belts. It’s funny that although they’re just a few years younger to me, I feel that I play the role of a mother. I could only laugh to myself.

I enjoyed the hillside greenery, with the sun peeping out from the mountains amidst the mist. I knew I would miss it. However, my girls could not take the journey up and down the hills, and they were closing their eyes, trying to sleep. Thus, I agreed to check out and get a foster parent in the village for the second night.

The journey to the village was an exciting experience in itself. There were buffaloes and cows along the way. We almost hit a cow, and a jungle chicken. The jungle chicken really amused us in the car. It was crossing a bridge, and when our vehicle approached, we really thought it would back off. Instead, it didn’t! It walked boldly, and the girls started screaming, thinking we were really going run over it! But the little fellow had it all planned. Inches to be hit, it spread its wings and simply flew to the other side! I had to say, “Nak jugaaaaaak dia melintas!”Ha ha…. And my girl said, “Kena letak trafik ‘light’ lah kat sini, satu untuk kerbau, satu untuk lembu, satu untuk ayam hutan!” Then the other officer said, “Bukan ayam biasa tu, ayam hutan! Dah biasa dah dia tu.” That left our heart ticked till we reached.

Our program went well as planned. I was supposed to play netball, which I don’t fancy (furthermore, the village team consisted of strong women who looked like pros, and I was more worried about getting injured), so I ‘forced’ someone else to stand in. I enjoyed playing woodball, though, and I managed to score one hit, after failing the first two rounds. I was surprised myself that in the final round, I managed to hit it in 3 attempts, out of the permitted 4. Ha ha…tried applying golfing techniques reversely, and it worked.

That night, we were presented with a cultural show where the natives did the ‘tarian sewang’, something like a jungle dance with a few people hitting the ground with wooden poles, a lead singing, and a group dancing around in circles. The adorned themselves with coconut leaves, braided across their chest and made into a crown. And it must be noted that the performance would go on and on until enough people joined in the dance and filled the circle completely. The song would be repeated over and over until the guest of honour joins and requests to end it. That was interesting (but if you don’t know, you’ll sit and wonder when it’s going to end). I knew because I happened to sit beside the guest and he told me. I must not forget to mention we had power supply problems in the rather run down hall, thus experienced black out for a few minutes.

But there was something even more shocking. As soon as the show was brought to a close at about 11.30pm, the emcee announced that the dance floor was open for ‘joget lambak’ (group dancing) for another 2 hours, while the band continued playing . The young and old simply sprung up from their seats, cleared the chairs, and started dancing as if they were in a disco! “This is their kind of entertainment here, I suppose,” I thought to myself.

I went there with my most ‘decent’ clothes, as a gesture of respect to the villagers – as in ‘menutup aurat’ – a rather loose blouse long enough to cover the thighs, long sleeves, with a moderate neck line. “Tudung” was of course out of the question, although many were encouraging me to wear one. It surprised me to see the village girls there dressed like in the city! Free hair, tight tops with pretty low necklines. I think I looked more of a believer of their faith compared to them!

On the second night, a religious talk was part of the program that we organized, and it was held in the mosque. I tagged along and sat outside the mosque. My assistant and a few other girls accompanied me. I was trying to listen to what they had to say from the outside. It can be interesting sometimes, with moral anecdotes. Trying my best to be respectful of their faith and beliefs, I dressed in the ‘baju kurung’ to which many complimented, and even encouraged me to complete it with a ‘head cover.’ I just smiled and said “Dah ok dah macam ni.”

After 3 years being with this community, I’ve finally reached that stage where I do not feel like an alien or the odd one out, as I used to feel in the past. I am happy that I’ve been successful at the adaptation process and can fit in pretty well.

I realize that people notice and make certain comments. One of the senior men joked and said that throughout my couple of years here, I must have eaten the most in functions compared to the others of their faith. Surprised, I asked why, because he knows how little I eat. He replied, “You never miss our ‘breaking fast’ event, our ‘night prayers,’ our ‘religious talks’…We hardly see the faces of the others our own faith. Although you don’t join with us, there’s always food for these, and you eat the most, since you attended the most!” I just laughed, but I know he meant something. The way I see it, being in the organizing committee, it’s just my responsibility to be where I’m supposed to be, without violating my own convictions. In fact, although I am in other religious places physically, my heart and mind is always focused on the One I believe in.

Our time there was fully crammed with activities, from sports to service to the villagers. Food was a challenge for me. I don’t eat the delicacies of this place, strange as it seems, even after 3 years. I can’t take ‘tempoyak,’ ‘ikan patin,’ ‘ubi with santan’ and what not that they consider special. I don’t take beef nor buffalo meat. For lunch they served packed food, and the minute I opened the packet, the smell of ‘tempoyak’ just put me off. I couldn’t eat anything at all in it, so I made do with the leftover doughnuts from breakfast. Everyone kept asking whether I had my lunch, so I simply said yes, or they’d make a big fuss and there were no eating shops around. Moreover, the town was about 40 minutes away. Only my girls knew.

Now coming to the place of my stay there, we spent the second day in our foster family’s place. The ‘makcik’ welcomed us warmly. I was so grateful that she gave a generous serving of ‘kuih raya’ to which I gladly helped myself, being very hungry indeed. She said she had cooked rice with a strange ‘ubi’ dish and asked us to eat. My assistant looked at me, wondering whether to spill the beans that I hadn’t eaten. But I was glad she knew better to be silent.

As for the house, it was a simple wooden and brick house. There was a little ‘pondok’ outside the house and you would be amazed it was equipped with a small wall fan. The house even had Astro. The ‘pakcik’ in his sarong was typing away on a laptop! However, the house lacked a very simple yet essential fitting – the room we were given didn’t have a door! It only had a transparent lacy curtain. When the ‘makcik’ told us that, my assistant and I were all smiles and simply said, “Tak apa….kita tak kisah….asalkan boleh tidur cukup baik lah tu…terima kasih ambil kita..” After we went into the room, we were wondering where to change our clothes, and decided that the bathroom was the best place.

The bathroom….hmmm….that is the biggest challenge of all. When I went in, based on experience, I knew the toilet wouldn’t have a flush. That was right. Then, the walls were made of adjacent wooden planks, so peeping would not only be possible but way too easy. To make matters worse, there were holes on the bathroom door and around the wooden walls.

I spent the longest time in the bathroom – bringing with me a plastic bag of t-shirts and a long towel. I spread the towel across the door and hung my t-shirts on whichever holes my eyes could spot. I think that itself took about 10 minutes, inspecting every possibility! To make matters worse, the ‘pondok’ outside was just facing the bathroom, and our two foster brothers were chatting away. I felt totally uneasy to have my bath, and finally resorted to taking water from the ‘bathroom’ area into the joined ‘toilet’ area, where half the wall was brick, but with large ventilation holes just above my head…sigh……. Finally, I went back and forth with a t-shirt and my simple bath lasted almost 30 minutes! Life is a little more complicated for girls who need to care a little more, I suppose.

My assistant, another girl and I shared the double bed at night. It was a bit too much of a crowd, but comfortable enough. It started to rain and the zinc roof had holes. It was super cold and I slept with a jacket on. Our foster mother told us of the recent hailstones that hit their village, causing holes on the roof. In fact, one house even got hit by a chunk of ice the size of a shoebox! I just prayed for easy weather, and thank God, although it rained, the roof didn’t leak. When we woke up in the morning, our foster mother had already prepared ‘roti canai’ for our breakfast.

The next day was the closing event, it was my job to pin the corsage onto out VVIP. While I was waiting at the gate together with the welcoming committee, the village head came and stood beside me. I remember seeing him previously at every related meeting, but somehow we never spoke. He asked one of his boys to snap a picture of all of us standing in the line, and then left quietly with a smile. At the end of the line, I heard one of my male staff comment, “Dia nak bergambar dengan cik kita je sebenarnya! Ha ha…” I laughed to myself, because previously that guy kept joking that the village head would be delighted to host me if I wanted.

To sidetrack a little, talking about pictures, we had booths of exhibitions during the day. Other agencies were present and I just walked around to have a look. I made a few friends and chit chatted with them, even signed up as a volunteer for a good cause. When they found out which agency I was from through my application form, they treated me like a celebrity – they had a picture taken with me! He he….it was quite funny and sweet.

It was also in that booth that we realized what a small world this is. One of the boys remembered seeing me in Kuantan 3 years ago – when he hit my friend’s car while parking. I was in the car and didn’t even come out at that time, yet he was able to recognize me. Amazing! Imagine meeting in someone in the interior of Jerantut!

Now, coming back -the closing ceremony. We had lunch after the event. I was the only lady from the organizing committee who was supposed to sit on the VIP table. The lunch was held using the school canteen, and thus the tables were long. I was heading to sit at the end of the table when the host called me to sit with a few of the VIP’s wives. “Good, good…the other end of the table” I thought to myself, but I thought a little too early. Someone else set there and I was guided right to the centre of the table, in front of our VVIPs!

The main reason I prefer to sit hidden away is because I don’t eat the special dishes and I would definitely be questioned. True enough, they observed that I didn’t touch the steamed ‘ikan patin’ which looked like a black catfish, nor beef, and they asked how could it be even after 3 years. Fortunately, they were not offended as I was eating with my fingers just like the rest of them, and they asked me to help myself generously to the prawns and salad.

One of the middle aged men from the village, who was very tall, came and shook my hands – that really surprised me because men don’t usually shake hands with women this side of the town. While shaking my hands, he looked at his lady friend and joked, “Macam mana kalau ni jadi No.2 saya?” We just laughed. (I realized something. Smiling and laughing – homour – can save you from situations where you’re lost for words.)

After the lunch, we headed back to our foster mother’s house. My girls and I gave her a ‘tudung’ and a big umbrella as a parting gift. She packed us some banana chips that she fried herself. Then all of us from Kuantan gathered to leave as a convoy. The vehicle I was in was the head of the convoy. I love my colleague’s punctuality (he was in the army before) when he fetched me exactly on time. In fact, that is the reason I like to ride with him. But a shame, we had to wait for all the rest. He kept lecturing the girls about how they would already be dead if they were late on the battle field!

On the way back to Kuantan, we stopped for a rest beside a petrol station. My colleague forced me to get something to eat, and I had a bun. Then he rushed us all to begin our journey back. I thought I was the last one to board our vehicle because I took some time to pack a hot drink. (My stomach was hurting and I wanted the packed drink to function as a hot bottle on the journey back).

As soon as I got into the front seat, I asked my colleague to drop by at the petrol station to see if there was an ATM machine as I still hadn’t withdrawn money. I asked the girls if there was one, without looking behind, but there was no response. So we just drove through and continued chatting as we found there was no ATM. Then my colleague got on the road to head back to Kuantan without any thought of turning back. Instinctively, I looked behind and exclaimed, “Mana dua lagi yang kat belakang?” Only then did he realize we had left the girls behind! We both roared into laughter and slowly reversed back to get to the rest place.

By then the girls had boarded other vehicles and the other drivers were laughing uncontrollably as they stopped by the side of the road to drop them off. “Itulah…lambat lagi lain kali…nanti kena tinggal…,” my colleague forced his words through the hilarity…and that kept us laughing for quite a long way! This is one incident I believe the girls and I will always remember…he he.

All in all, those 3 days were among my most enjoyable experiences throughout my time here. I believe it’s because I have learnt to widen my space and allow more people into my life. Of course it also meant that I had to slow down a little to match others’ pace and put their needs above mine, but it was worth it. During the time I’ve been here, I’ve always asked the Lord to teach me how to love my people with His love. Now, after 3 years, I can say with conviction that I love them. Though it may not be a bed of roses all the time, love will keep it alive. So, I thank God for all that He has done to bring me from there to here.

Seeing Your Own Reflection

2009-07-28T14:14:00.006+08:00

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

A familiar face that believed in looking at the world through angel eyes - looking for goodness, love, faithfulness, kindness, peace and joy? Or is it now a blazing heart; boiling with anger, angst and frustration towards life and your own self – leading to thoughts and emotions that you never imagined would grab a part of you? Do you see misery fogging up the glass that only a fading shadow reflects against the dim light? Are you losing your faith in goodness when all around is far from freedom, justice and equality?

What is happening to you? Greek philosophy says, “Know Thyself.” Understanding the self is a very reflective process that will never reach completion until we breathe our last. Knowing why you behave the way you do, why you think what you think, why you say what you say – sometimes it feels like a mystery, but most of the time it’s not.

When you keep everything to yourself, there’s only so much you can know about your own nature. But once you allow yourself to get close to others, to let them under your skin; when you take off the mask and just let them see you as you are – you discover things you never knew about your own character.

Your insecurities, sensitivities, need for acceptance and need to be understood surface before you even realize it. In fact, you never knew you could be this way. You realize the Jekyll and Hyde within and you don’t like what you see. It’s painful to acknowledge that you have reached a point your heart literally pumps up when the thoughts come flooding in – robbing you of peace, joy and love. A prisoner of your own device, you collapse to the ground and question yourself, “How did I get here? What have I done? … I was not like this before…”

Where is the love? Where is the joy? Where is the peace? Where is the hope?

Why do you keep running away? Why do you keep coming back? Why do you watch others and take the weight of the world upon your own shoulders? Why must you care what others say, think or do? Why are you beginning not to care at all?

Why are you starting to believe? Why do you betray trust? Why do you hold on to the past? Are you moving on? Why do you think so much? Are you forgetting to dream?

Why do you expect people to understand your steps that are meant to be walked alone? Why are you so engrossed in your own world that you forget to try to understand others?

Why are you trying to change? Why are you remaining the same? Why are you rebelling when your aim has always been to strive for perfection?

The questions are a million…the answers are elusive…some answers you do know, but it takes a little too much to accept things you cannot change. You realize you are not sure if you’re strong enough. Only the love of Christ and prayers of those who care carry you through.

Now, the time has come for you to rise on eagles’ wings over sun.

Psalm 139:23-24
Search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.

-Untitled-

2009-07-28T08:16:00.000+08:00

“Seconds, hour, so many days…You know what you want but how long can it wait…Don’t know where the future’s heading…When you think you’ve lost your way… What if my chances were already gone…started believing that I could be wrong………….”

Lyrics that go straight to the heart, despite the many critics that say the song is full of worn-out clichés.

What do you do when you don’t know where to go?

What do you do when you’ve made a mistake?

Do people enjoy falling along the way?

Do you want to return into your own little world, where you had always existed alone?

What if memories are impossible to forget?

Is it wrong to want to have a clean page after you have erased your own scribbles?

What is it like to be misunderstood?

What if you want to get away from every thing, once and for all?

But despite the burden in the hearts, there’s one thing that forces you to move on, whether you like it or not:

Matthew 4:44…He [Jesus] answered and said, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.’

“So, here I am, still holding on…With every step, you climb another mountain…every breath it’s harder to believe…You’ll make it through the rain…weather the hurricane…there are no boundaries…..”

2 nights in the wild – or almost ‘wild’

2009-04-28T22:11:00.003+08:00

When was the last time you went to stay in a chalet but lived as if you were camping? For me, it was just last week, from the 24th to the 26th April 2009, at Taman Negeri Endau Rompin (Endau Rompin State Park).

I went there on a work trip, as we had a community project with the people living in the interior. So, the nearest accommodation from our event location was this state park.

Being responsible for arranging the rooms for all participants, I found that the only chalets left after fitting in the invited guest were the 2 that had no indoor bathrooms. So I allocated one to my male colleague and his guys, and the other for my girls and me. Since we were going to be neighbors with the guys, it didn’t feel too bad – compared to sleeping alone in tents.

At first my roommates and I switched off the lights, but some sounds bothered us on the first night. Thus, we turned on one of the lights. For your information, all kinds of strange creepy sounds could be heard loud and clear the entire night! (It’s the jungle, what else could we expect!) Sleeping in a new environment was definitely a problem.

However, on the second night, my girls and I were too exhausted after the night event in the village, and travelling half an hour up the unlit, long and winding road back to the chalet. We slept like the dead! In fact, a camper very near our chalet went hysterical twice that night. Almost all the residents heard her screams, but none of us did!

Bathing was an adventure. Since the bathrooms were outdoor and there was a whole bus of campers on the site, we had to vie with them for a shower place. After seeing a long queue outside the bathroom, my girls and I gave up as we had to rush back to the village school for the night event. The other alternative was the river, and it was an enticing idea.

How often do you get to bathe in a scenic river, so close to nature?

So we headed down to the beautiful river, surrounded by greenery and reflections of trees. It looked very deep on both sides, and I was afraid to enter deeper, as alluring as it was. However, my staff convinced me that one side was shallow, and that it looked deep because of the rocks.

So, I braved myself to the rapids on the other side, gripping her hand all the way. I didn't regret it. The water was slightly below my chest, much chiller and fresher compared to the river bank.

Suddenly I saw water monitor lizards swimming by, but they didn’t come too near to us…Phew, what a relief! You know, when they move in the water, you might mistake them for snakes...and they do resemble crocodiles!

So, that was my bath on the first evening. I have to admit neither of us brought soap – so we used just fresh water, as my staff said, “like the original people”!:P

And you might have already guessed the consequence…I started itching that night… on my neck, hands and feet. (In fact my feet still itch now, and I’m religiously applying antibacterial powder!)

The next morning, we had to be up by 5.30 am. My Muslim counterparts went to pray at the surau nearby the bathroom, and I told them I’d be allright alone using the common bathroom. I didn’t switch on the light as it attracted some huge insects. Halfway through my dipper and pail shower in that congested space with a squatting toilet, I heard louder footsteps outside the door.

I presumed they must be from someone waiting to use the bathroom, so I hurried myself. That person switched on the lights, but I didn’t object, being hesitant about talking to strangers. A few minutes later, I opened the door, only to see a young boy at my face.

l quickly looked away, partially covering my face with the clothes in my hand, feeling ‘not appropriately dressed.’ I was in a t-shirt and towel wrapped around my waist. I quickly headed back to my chalet. As he shut the bathroom door behind him, I instinctively took a peak. You wouldn’t guess how I felt!

The door was made of white plastic – meaning, with the lights on in the dark, you can see an artistic silhouette of whoever is inside. And as I saw his outline, the realization that he might have been watching mine filled me with embarrassment. But there was comfort in knowing he was not my staff. Such moments are better of with strangers! Ha ha…

I was suddenly reminded of a story my chalet neighbour told us the night before; about the ‘orang asli.’ He said that the natives bathe stark naked in the rivers. When others see them, they only cover their faces, not their genitals. If you ask them why, they say, “Everyone looks almost the same neck down. Only our faces are different. If you cover your face, no one will know who!” “Makes sense,” I thought, and laughed to myself… What a start to the morning!

After I got dressed, I saw my male colleague in my neighboring chalet walk back from his bath, in his towel. He cheerfully said he took bath with only his underwear in the river! I told him he needn’t highlight the ‘underwear’ part, feeling awkward about his joke, as he was much older than I. Instead he insisted that it was not a joke, asking his company to vouch for him – it was true! They seemed embarrassed to admit that they did the same too. Once again, it made me laugh, giving me one more reason not to feel so bad about that ‘bathroom incident.’ Underwear vs figure? I think you get the idea…he he:P

Another ironic incident is that I arranged all the comfortable chalets with indoor bathrooms for our guests. And it so happened that elephants stepped on the piping system that pumped water to their chalets, and that disrupted their water supply! Pity them – they had to rely entirely on the river or walk all the way to the common bathrooms. Only the common bathrooms had continuous water supply, and those were far from the cosy cabins, but very close to the campers & myself! Just to let you know, the water supply came from the river, and you could find dried leaves flowing together with the fresh water from the tap!

The most troublesome thing about our stay was that we were on a semi formal / casual dress code. So, although we were staying in the jungle, we had to dress up well for the event – including ironing formal clothes and wearing working shoes. And our event was not on the camping site. It was in a school about 30 minutes from our accommodation. The way from the main road to the main entrance of the state park was a dark, long and winding uphill drive. And I didn't want to leave anyone behind, as locating them in a place without network coverage would be an arduous task.

For the night event the second day, I was the last to leave the place as I wanted to ensure none of my girls were left behind. I dressed up in a dazzling red blouse and black slacks, with court shoes. The moment I opened my chalet door, a huge, white and brown insect landed on my hair, that I had neatly clipped into an elegant bun. Quite surprisingly, I didn’t scream. Instead, my heartbeat rose and I simply froze!

Then I regained composure and tried to gently push that insect away without messing up my crown of curls – which I successfully didJ. I was amazed at my own reaction in a different environment! If it had happened at home, I think my handbag would have gone flying and my hair would have been a total disaster!

The two nights there we had barbecue by the calm river while some went fishing. We had fresh prawns and fish. During the barbecue of the first night, when I was throwing my leftovers into the dustbin, a jungle guide who was helping clear the place had his hands full with all the paper plates that the guests left behind. I helped open up the garbage bag, preventing the rubbish from falling to the ground. His eyes sparkled with appreciation, as he said, "Thank you. Awak baik," before I walked away.

On the second night, this guy came over and got acquainted with me. He was a flamboyant Malay guy around my age, who called others "Awak" (you). That was a new thing to me. At the park, he was the only one who called me by name, without ‘Cik’(Miss) or 'Puan' (Madam). He was a very cheerful and entertaining guy; sure to make you smile! I bet the tourists love him!

He kept adding food to my plate and refilling my cup. Although it was a self service barbecue, I ate my fill without leaving my seat on the bench. It was an enjoyable chat and we could have talked longer, but my middle aged neighbor (the same guy who bathed in his underwear:P) who was chaperoning me back to the chalet said it was time for me to sleep.

The pleasant company doesn't come as a surprise– it turns out we’re ‘orang kampong’ – from the same hometown. He was encouraging me to come camping another day, saying he would be my guide from the river to the interiors. You wouldn’t believe my silly reply.

Having recently watched Lake Placid, I asked him “Are there crocodiles in the waters? I’ve already seen the monitor lizards. In the movies, they’re in green rivers…” When he said no, I asked, “How do you know? Maybe it’s there, it just hasn’t showed itself.”

He laughed and said I was too influenced by movies! However, I am still not 100% convinced by his answer that the water flows rapidly and will sweep away crocodiles, even if any. I think, one can never know enough inside the majestic creations of God – the jungles and the wild… Who knows?…Maybe somewhere deeper inside the jungle?…A lost one?… But perhaps you shouldn’t listen to me & my imaginations, I’m not an expert in this field :P

The strange thing is that I never actually feared wild animals while on the site, although a poster in the entrance said that many species of the wild could be spotted within the area. Perhaps, I didn’t believe one could see them easily from the chalets, and I never did.

But when I checked out and chatted with the camp guides one last time, I was shocked when they told me a few bikers just spotted a tiger crossing the road. I missed it by only a few minutes. In fact one our guest also experienced a tiger flashing by his car in the main road, in broad daylight! The camp guide also told me that he once stayed in the chalet where I spent the nights, and saw a full grown tiger at the door of the bathroom nearby (the one I used). He completely freaked out and jumped over drains to seek refuge inside the site office!

To think that I so boldly bathed alone in that bathroom – totally oblivious to the wild that walked around so freely. (Actually that explains my coolness – you know they sometimes say ignorance is bliss:P!) They said that tigers don’t harm humans as long we don’t disturb them, but I think I would still be afraid. In a way I felt relieved that I didn’t come face to face with the fangs of a ferocious creature. But really, I was disappointed that I didn’t get to see one ‘live’ either. The way the guides describe the encounter makes you want to feel it yourself - they say the tiger's eyes gleam and you will stand in complete silence, watching its raised fur against the wind, with both fear and amazement....As the camp guide said, that is ‘nasib’ (fate).

My only regret throughout this event is having a fresh, red bruise on my leg. The ‘accident’ took place at the school field during the game of ‘coconut bowling.’ It’s a game where ladies throw the coconut instead of a ball, to hit empty cans that are arranged into a pyramid, with lanes drawn in chalk on the field. Just too bad for me that the coconut was hurled by a strong woman in full force, and it headed the wrong direction, right to my legs – I didn’t see it coming! Boy, it sure hurts, still red even now!

But I suppose, if I compared my unforgettable days to that bruise, it’s a fair trade. The state park is place I’ve always wanted to see, and mingling with the locals was interesting. Though I didn’t get to join the outdoor activities at the state park, I got new acquaintances, heard unbelievable stories and gained an extraordinary experience. Those are etched in my mind, and I thank God for His protection and pleasure during my stay there.

JJ

2009

Golf and the Mirror

2009-03-23T07:28:00.000+08:00

Somewhere in my readings of Robert T. Kiyosaki’s books, I recall him saying “Playing golf is like seeing yourself in the mirror.”

He went on to explain why businessmen played golf before deciding whether or not to have dealings with a person; implying that you can somewhat learn a person’s character by watching him play. You can understand yourself and others better. His words intrigued me.

And so it happened, by chance or intervention, that one my colleagues who plays golf came to see me before he got a transfer. Somehow the topic came up. Before he left, he took the initiative to hook up another colleague to teach me a few swings of golf. My teacher seemed more eager than I and asked me everyday, when our first lesson would be. After many postponements due to work, it finally came to pass!

To sidetrack a little, even before we began, I told my teacher of what a ‘kaki bangku’ (in Malay: someone who is not good at any sport – directly translated: bench feet) I was. But I didn’t say that in my childhood days, I used to be very shy, quiet, timid, conscious of making mistakes in public and sensitive to people’s watchful eyes – resulting in a kid that preferred to sit on the bench and just observe, sometimes with a book in my hand. I had attempted some sports, only because it was compulsory. I didn’t like games where you have to ‘fight’ with so many others for a single ball. In university, I took up tennis for recreation. Although I didn’t quit, I was always counting the days to the final lesson as it turned to be stressful instead - the harsh coach made every session a pain to endure.

Back to my golf teacher, he’s a well built, middle aged, sturdy man, who always speaks on an assertive note. He took me to the shop to get my glove. As for the equipment, he let me use his to give golf a shot, seeking out the lightest iron as his was meant for men. It was my very first time in the range, and my teacher was extremely patient in coaching me. Being a left hander, I was told it is better to learn the conventional way for ease of finding equipment. So, I agreed.

After 2 hours, I still didn’t manage to get the ‘full swing.’ However, I did understand what it means to see yourself in the mirror when playing golf (or rather, learning, for me).

My teacher, who was observing my body movements, kept pointing out the mistakes. One in particular: after the swinging the iron, I hesitated upon nearing the ball, which is why the ball never made it more than 2 meters away.

“Just let it go…Swing it full…don’t think too much… just hit it!”

My teacher kept saying, but I still found it difficult simply release.

I saw my own reflection –that is exactly how I approach new things in life. Trying to understand enough, contemplating whether or not I am doing it right, if I could really hit the mark - all which make me slow down upon reaching that moment in time to ‘just do it.’

We shouldn’t limit ourselves with doubts when we have the potential to go further.

Another lesson I learnt was about focus. “Keep your eyes on the ball, until after you’ve hit it,” my teacher advised me.

He said the reason the ball headed the wrong direction was because I turned too quickly to see where it was going, resulting in my entire body making unnecessary movements. I realized that that’s what I do in life too. Not keeping my eyes on the goal until it is fully accomplished, and looking if I can see results before it’s time. It causes me to lose equilibrium and feel disappointed. What we actually need to do is keep our eyes on the right thing, and do it right. Then the results would work out for itself.

The third element I grasped was the importance of control and balance. The term ‘keep your feet on the ground’ to imply firmness really made sense in the game. My teacher remarked I moved my hips and feet too much.

He said, “You’re just supposed to swing the iron, but you are swinging your whole self together with it!”

Yeah, sometimes I lose balance, and that makes me lose control. If my feet were planted firmly on the ground, I would have had more control over my body. In life it’s like that too. Sometimes failing to make a stand, can send us flying in a different direction. Little things that should be put in their place, if neglected, can cause a whole chain of reactions.

Finally, I discovered that discipline is the key in achieving anything at all, even just to learn how to swing a golf club. When my teacher said my arm was not kept straight, I worked on it till it improved a little. Then he reprimanded my feet and hips, and I focused too much on that till I forgot about the arms and started bending them.

That’s when I recognized the importance of discipline – we are creatures of habit, and shaping our actions to the acceptable, desired pattern requires going against what we normally do. It needs focus and control on every aspect that we want to change. And that takes a lot of effort, time and perseverance.

After those two hours or so with my colleague, I also realized I have changed a lot since childhood – in regards to sports. I didn’t seem to mind making such glaring errors in front of others. (FYI: the closest balls were all mine :P), though I admit a tinge of embarrassment after all his tips (but what do you expect, it was my first time!). And I was ok with my teacher commenting on me in public, with many eyes on me (I learnt to watch them back – their moves, I mean). The training on my job has done me good personally, I must say. And I was happy.

Not forgetting my observations of my teacher – that he is a patient man, and can be nice. It’s funny to remember we started on the wrong foot at work. I asked myself why I never thought of this earlier. Everything has its time and season, I suppose.

Those were the few things I learnt in my first experience of golf. And it amazes me to think a game that originated from some shepherds knocking stones in rabbit holes could gain such affluence, commercialization and offer profound meanings. The minds that created the rules, strategies and added final touches to the sport must be sheer genius!

As for me, I don’t know when I’m going to get the swing, but some golf sure made me see myself.

-JJ-

I Will Tell You How He Lived

2008-08-30T14:22:00.002+08:00

“Do you believe a man can change his destiny?” Katsumoto, in hopelessness, asks Algren before the battle begins. To which Algren replies, “I believe a man does what he can until his destiny is revealed.” This remarkable quote by the Last Samurai speaks volumes, not just in relation to war. It is an inspiration to strive for life in whatever circumstances.

Yesterday was the first time I watched this 2003 alternate history film where an American army captain Nathan Algren is hired to prepare Japanese troops against the samurai. Algren is taken captive by Lord Katsumoto who treats him much kindness and gradually converts him to his cause. The scenes started out rather bloody and violent, but the narrator’s words kept me from switching channels. I started out with reading materials in my hands to turn my eyes away whenever someone got decapitated or an arrow went right through their heart.

I tend to retain images and have lingering feelings for a long time after dramatic occurrences, so I limit myself for my own good. However, after some time, I was able to digest it and kept the articles away. And that’s also due to some remarkable quotes of the samurai. As the movie took a more serious and emotional turn and I ended up picking up life lessons from it. The movie was more than just battle. It was about the spirit of a warrior, discipline, honour, purpose and love. I don’t know if you find this movie emotional, but I was tearing during many scenes, and I really cried my heart out at the ending. Allow me to share some with you.

“I was surprised to learn that the word 'Samurai' means 'to serve'…What does it mean to be Samurai? To devote yourself utterly to a set of moral principles, to seek a stillness of the mind, and the mastery of the sword.”

Captain Algren learns that to see things beyond his own assumptions and opens up his mind. I am reminded not to judge others, but try to see things from their point of view.
“From the moment they wake up they devote themselves to the perfection of whatever they do. I've never seen such discipline.”
Like Captain Algren, I was amazed at the level of discipline portrayed in their daily life. Everything that the Samurais were, were simply the result of their devotion to discipline, and gave it their all. Through practice, pain, and even their lives. I was reminded yet again, to achieve all that you want to be, you’ve got to devote yourself it, and let it constantly be on your mind.

“Too many mind”

When Algren was practicing sword-fighting with a youth, he was told that he was unable to defeat the enemy because of “too many mind -Mind the sword, mind the people watch, mind the enemy, too many mind...”
- This is about focus. You cannot defeat your enemy or achieve your goal when your mind is not focused on your purpose.

“Every soldier has nightmares”…”Only one who is ashamed of what he has done.”

Captain Algren suffers from sleepless nights because of the things he has seen and done in his life, but Katsumoto give shim a new perspective – about the way of a warrior.
While I definitely dislike the idea of taking lives, I understand it by looking through the lens of a soldier.
I can also relate to it through lesser personal life experience. In life, we are all soldiers battling against things unseen. Something can only haunt you if are ashamed of it. Things that have happened to you, things you have seen – you just have to let go like a warrior. Even the scenes in this movie that I was watching – it was not a shameful thing. Why should I let it bother me?

“When I took these from you, you were my enemy...”[Katsumoto giving Algren his stuff before leaving the samurai village.

The aspect of love is beautifully depicted in this movie. Algren kills Katsumoto’s brother-in-law, but instead of being treated like a prisoner in captive, he is cared for like a guest of the house by the wife of the very man he kills. The compassion shown forges an unbreakable friendship and an undying love between Algren and the Katsumoto family. Katsumoto learns about his once considered enemy while Algren finds answers to life. Together, they fight for a just cause, and there was a time when he saved their lives.
I find this sacrificial love very Christ like.

“The perfect blossom is a rare thing. You could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life.”

Some things in life are rare treasures. They may not be tangible, or hold monetary value, but the true treasure is worth the search.

Algren: So you will take your own life? In shame? Shame for a life of service? Discipline? Compassion?
Katsumoto: The way of the Samurai is not necessary anymore.
Algren: Necessary? What could be more necessary?

- Honour is of utmost importance to the samurai, and he’ll be compelled to take his own life if defeated. It’s interesting how Algren sheds light onto Katsumoto’s weary and hopeless soul and together, they strategize their battle. Their weapons were no match for their opponent, but it’s incredible how far wit and strategy can go. Though they lost, they fought a good and honourable fight (although I wish they needn’t have had that war in the first place, but that’s life)

There were many moments along the journey of the movie, I questioned myself, “But what is the point? They are all dying in the end..” Though sad, I really loved the ending. It was for a higher purpose – for the greater good. Everything the samurais did was done in faith and honor of their purpose. Though they did not live to see it come to pass (reminds me of the faith of Abraham in the Bible), it was worth it in the end, when their Emperor’s eyes were opened to finally cease being a puppet and decide what is best for his people. This dialogue sums it perfectly:

Algren: This is Katsumoto's sword. He would have wanted you to have it. He hoped with his dying breath that you would remember his ancestors who held it, and what they died for. May the strength of the Samurai always be with you.

Emperor Meiji: I dream of a unified Japan – of a country strong, and independent, and modern. Now we have railroads and cannon and Western clothing. But we cannot forget who we are, or where we come from.

Emperor Meiji: Ambassador Swanbeck, I have concluded that your treaty is NOT in the best interests of my people.

Ambassador Swanbeck: Sir, if I may...

Emperor Meiji: So sorry, but you may not.

The disheartened Emperor then asks the surviving Samurai about Katsumoto (his teacher whose words he failed to heed), “Tell me how he died.” And Algren replies, “I will tell you how he lived.”

And I believe, that is what really matters in the end.

-JJ- 30 August 2008

The Center

2008-06-18T08:00:00.000+08:00

What does your life revolve around? Is it something you cherish? Someone you love or fear? Is it simply me, myself and I? How do we know what is the center? Center indicates balance, equality from every side, the main part of something or the focus of attention. In everyday life, what becomes our axis?

Many times, I am the centre of my life. The things I do, think or say is simply about me – what gratifies my desires and fulfills my wants. It is about what I want, when I want, to get what I want. It could be choosing to indulge a little longer on the television at the expense of devotion time – when I’m tired, entertaining myself in front of that idiot box seems more enticing than studying the Bible. Or even feeling unfair that I have to help someone when I had it the hard way, all alone, when I crossed that path. It could be desiring something that is not right. Plainly put, it is being selfish.

There were times, my life focused on people. What he or she thought mattered the most – out of love, and out of fear, at the expense of self. I would be willing to sacrifice my own desires to comply to theirs. Attachments to them – not to hurt or lose them. Fearing them – to maintain the status quo. Even when they were not there in front of me to see my actions and decisions, the thought of them would be a serious consideration. It was really tough, and pleasing people definitely placed my life lopsided on the weighing scale.

I remember days when I concentrated on things I valued as a child. Among my lowly priced possessions were things I really cherished. They were cheap or even cost nothing, but totally irreplaceable. Things like a plant where I buried my little pet fish, or my favourite book or dress, or that heart-shaped rock that someone picked up for me at the beach. Then when it was given away, accidentally discarded or damaged by my family (without intentional hurt) I would get all upset, and remind them of their wrongs at every opportunity. And that behavior would affect my relationships with those around me. In short, I cared more about the things than the person.

While I have always tried to make Christ the center of my life, many times the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. There is a constant struggle between the self and the soul. The flesh and the spirit are always at odds against each other, and we have to make that decision which we allow to win. It’s like Spiderman choosing to be good or bad. I ask myself, if I have to struggle, does it mean I am a weak Christian? I think it simply means I am human. It is human nature to know what is right but want what is wrong – temptations on the journey to submit to the Spirit

In fact, if I don’t struggle, it would mean that I have allowed myself to become accustomed against my conscience. It’s like entering a room that reeks with insecticide. At first your senses detect a pungent smell. But if you sit in that room long enough, you’d smell nothing at all, while you are unwittingly being poisoned bit by bit.

It’s important to chose correctly what becomes the center of our life, for it affects every single aspect of living – right from the desire in our heart, the thought in our mind, the words we say and to the actions we take. The right center will create a harmonious relationship with everything around it. It is tough and requires a lot of discipline, but exciting nonetheless - a sense of accomplishment to win the battle. To me, the greatest enemy is self.

-JJ, 2008-

Galatians 2:20 (The Bible, New International Version)

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Teach us to number our days aright

2008-06-10T08:00:00.002+08:00

It has been a series of unfortunate and bizarre events for some at my workplace, lately. Two of my staff experienced loss of loved ones in the same week. Then a close friend met with an accident (thank God, left unharmed though vehicle quite badly damaged) and his wife was admitted in hospital a few days later for asthmatic attack. Another staff had a complicated, first time pregnancy, whereby a fibroid and the child were growing at the same rate, and an operation was too risky. All of a sudden she has a natural delivery being only 6 months due, and her premature child is only 600 grams. The turn of events is all so unexpected.

I’ve been learning how to deal with occurrences like this – being in Management, it’s part of my responsibility to be a representative at the funeral and in the hospital, just as when attending joyous occasions and functions. When I first started on this job and had to attend a funeral, I would start getting all worried. Not that I didn’t sympathize with the family or didn’t want to go (I really did), but because I couldn’t bear to see that face I knew crying in grief. I feared not knowing the words to say, or what to do in an unfamiliar place and crowd during such a depressing period. Furthermore, being the odd one out in such occasions, culture was also an element that intimidated me. I’m also usually the rose among the thorns, so I would have to sit elsewhere while the guys in another corner. I would always make sure I followed the lead of some older person, and just sit quietly, and talk if others speak.

Being in moments of silence can feel like forever, and it makes you reflect upon the brevity of life. To do what you can and have to do in the time that is given to you, is in fact, the only chance you’ve got. Some faiths profess reincarnation, but being a Christian, one life is all you’ve got. Sitting there in the midst of sorrow, you know that life goes on for the bereaved, but it will never be the same. It is heart wrenching to hear little ones say their father is sleeping, or that their mother has gone far away as they run around playing; oblivious to the painful truth of death. Sitting there in silence is the only thing I could do.

I never thought much of my silent presence, until my bereaved staff made it a point to come up and say ‘thank you’; trying to put up a strong front, fighting back the tears while the casket was taken away, as I was disappearing among the crowd. It made me realize that no words can ever take away the sadness of loss, but just being there shows you care.

In the hospitals for less serious incidents, it is a whole lot easier to deal with emotionally. Just taking the time to cheer them up a little actually means a lot. A trip to the hospital also reminds me that we are not super humans who will always be full control, or have life our way all the time. Accidents may happen and sicknesses may leave us dependent upon someone else’s strength – whatever age. Some things in life are not for us to choose.

At the end of the day, it’s all about making the best out of what is given to us. It doesn’t matter how long we live, but how well we have lived. It weighs down to fulfilling God’s purpose in our generation - what we leave behind for others, for we take nothing with us. It is how much we have loved.

Ecclesiastes 7:2 (New Living Translation)
Better to spend your time at funerals than at parties. After all, everyone dies—so the living should take this to heart.

Psalm 90:12 (New Living Translation)
Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Brand vs Style

2008-05-29T14:37:00.000+08:00

The other day, I was shocked to hear a 15 year old city lass say she spends RM 70 to RM 100 for make-up and hair do each time she attends a function or wedding. What extravagance! Even I, after working and earning, have never once done such a thing for a single function. Kids these days…(like I’m 70 years old) but it’s true, they are so different from my times; the products and brand names that they go for, the pricey clothes and accessories. Obviously, her parent’s can afford that kind of lifestyle, but what does it say about her as an individual? She’s rich – that’s one.

The general idea would be that the branded product/service is of better quality and could last longer. But more often than not, I believe these kids find their status and security by displaying the famous brands. Clothes, beauty products, handbags and what not – it surprises me that some clerks are willing to splurge on such things by making it a monthly commitment. If they have ample to spend, that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong in looking good, but what is the purpose when one could put the money to better use? That is pure vanity.

In believe that the way a woman dresses reflects on her as an individual. It is who she is that is attractive, not the brand that she carries. If she can put on a style that suits her and portrays her personality, she is a lot more attractive than those who help advertise brands for free at a personal expense. Brand verses style - style always wins.

This, I can tell based on my own experience. I remember buying some clothes and make up that were a lot more expensive than my usual ones for Christmas once; for the sake of last minute shopping. I didn’t feel exactly comfortable in it, but I went ahead. Well, I did get some compliments about the new outfit and look. But in that same week, I wore a long, soft looking skirt with no slit that cost RM 19.90, a fitting blouse that cost only RM 17.50, and low-heels that were RM 15, with very minimal make up – just compact powder, and colored lip balm which was only RM 7.90. I was extremely comfortable with myself and went around smiling. And you wouldn’t believe it. I received compliments literally everywhere I went. Even from strangers on the street when crossing the road, and Malay aunties in bookstores. And I was thinking, this is one of my cheapest outfits! Today is another day with the similar experience. I’m wearing another of those cheap outfits and all my staff have nice things to say. They are shocked to hear the price, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Now, they are looking out for things like that.

The point I’m trying to make here is NOT that I am cheap (because the things I use are cheap) or that I’m a natural beauty. What I’m trying to say is that brand doesn’t make much of a difference in bringing out who you are. It’s the heart that makes a woman beautiful. It’s reflected in her eyes, and her sincere smile – and the choices she makes in determining her style – in showing her true self.

So to all girls out there, don’t become a victim of vanity. Know thyself. Be thyself.

Archeological Discovery of The Red Sea Crossing

2008-05-29T08:28:00.006+08:00

It has been a very engaging exchange of e-mails with my Catholic friend regarding the authenticity of the Bible the last few days. Suddenly, I was reminded of the children’s story we often heard as kids in Sunday school – the Red Sea Crossing. It's about the Lord dividing the sea for His people to pass at the stretch of Moses’ hand, and then covering the entailing enemies’ horses and chariots with water, destroying them completely. The lesson was always about faith in God to do the impossible.

My teenage friend recently told me about the archeological discovery of chariot wheels buried in the sand of the sea of Nuweiba, and it’s really interesting. As a child, I never doubted. Thus, I am thrilled to learn of such findings.

Whether or not you are a believer, just sharing this site just for an interesting read with maps and pictures:

http://www.arkdiscovery.com/red_sea_crossing.htm

Below is the related passage from the Bible, if you want to know the background story.

Exodus 14

1 Then the LORD said to Moses, 2 "Tell the Israelites to turn back and encamp near Pi Hahiroth, between Migdol and the sea. They are to encamp by the sea, directly opposite Baal Zephon. 3 Pharaoh will think, 'The Israelites are wandering around the land in confusion, hemmed in by the desert.' 4 And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and he will pursue them. But I will gain glory for myself through Pharaoh and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the LORD." So the Israelites did this.

5 When the king of Egypt was told that the people had fled, Pharaoh and his officials changed their minds about them and said, "What have we done? We have let the Israelites go and have lost their services!" 6 So he had his chariot made ready and took his army with him. 7 He took six hundred of the best chariots, along with all the other chariots of Egypt, with officers over all of them. 8 The LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh king of Egypt, so that he pursued the Israelites, who were marching out boldly. 9 The Egyptians—all Pharaoh's horses and chariots, horsemen [a] and troops—pursued the Israelites and overtook them as they camped by the sea near Pi Hahiroth, opposite Baal Zephon.

10 As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the LORD. 11 They said to Moses, "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? 12 Didn't we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians'? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!"

13 Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. 14 The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

15 Then the LORD said to Moses, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on. 16 Raise your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea to divide the water so that the Israelites can go through the sea on dry ground. 17 I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians so that they will go in after them. And I will gain glory through Pharaoh and all his army, through his chariots and his horsemen. 18 The Egyptians will know that I am the LORD when I gain glory through Pharaoh, his chariots and his horsemen."

19 Then the angel of God, who had been traveling in front of Israel's army, withdrew and went behind them. The pillar of cloud also moved from in front and stood behind them, 20 coming between the armies of Egypt and Israel. Throughout the night the cloud brought darkness to the one side and light to the other side; so neither went near the other all night long.

21 Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the LORD drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, 22 and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left.

23 The Egyptians pursued them, and all Pharaoh's horses and chariots and horsemen followed them into the sea. 24 During the last watch of the night the LORD looked down from the pillar of fire and cloud at the Egyptian army and threw it into confusion. 25 He made the wheels of their chariots come off [b] so that they had difficulty driving. And the Egyptians said, "Let's get away from the Israelites! The LORD is fighting for them against Egypt."

26 Then the LORD said to Moses, "Stretch out your hand over the sea so that the waters may flow back over the Egyptians and their chariots and horsemen." 27 Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and at daybreak the sea went back to its place. The Egyptians were fleeing toward [c] it, and the LORD swept them into the sea. 28 The water flowed back and covered the chariots and horsemen—the entire army of Pharaoh that had followed the Israelites into the sea. Not one of them survived.

29 But the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left. 30 That day the LORD saved Israel from the hands of the Egyptians, and Israel saw the Egyptians lying dead on the shore. 31 And when the Israelites saw the great power the LORD displayed against the Egyptians, the people feared the LORD and put their trust in him and in Moses his servant.

Is that ‘lying’?

2008-05-28T17:52:00.002+08:00

I remember during my university years, a lecturer who was very experienced in Project Management gave the class a piece of advice. “Lie with confidence to be in control. In the real world, it’s a skill you have to develop” Liars are easy to detect, with famous facial expressions and gestures to look out for. That’s why my lecturer stressed on ‘lying with confidence’. At that time, I thought that piece of advice was very unethical to follow, and reflected lack of integrity. But now, I’m actually questioning the truth and the ethicality involved in his advice.

I have observed around me, in the real world, that those who lie confidently have created pretty good impressions of themselves in meetings and in public. Those who didn’t tend to paint a slightly tainted picture. But the truth is, when you put yourself in position of the truthful, you’d understand their troubles. Sadly, not everyone can look at things that way. And if you really know the liars, you’d know they are lying through their teeth.

It’s hard being a Christian, or for that matter, holding on to principles that you want to follow (whatever your religion) – which says lying is a sin and there is no such thing as a white lie. Does hiding half the truth amount to lying? Does pretending for an innocent cause equal to lying? Is it wrong to lie to a liar for protection? Does rephrasing a sentence in such a way to avoid telling a lie make it ok? If you are in the situation to uphold someone’s image, what do you do? If you are put in a spot during meetings, do you ever think of advices like the one my lecturer provided? What makes a lie, a lie? Where does flexibility come in?

William Shakespeare did say “All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts…” Does that make ‘acting’ to adapt to different situations permissible? I’m sure we all ‘act’ a lot in our daily lives. We play a different person at work and another one at home, and someone else with friends, and some other alone. We can’t possibly be the same all the time – in fact, that will be too boring.

Perhaps I shouldn’t see things from a purist point of view, and take it too hard. But I believe this dilemma will strike in one’s mind if one actually cares enough to think it through. There are those who don’t let their thoughts wander that far and take it as part of life. A friend once told me, “You can’t be too straight all the time.” Maybe that makes it easier; just take it as it comes and do what you have to do. But I still see it most ethical to exhaust all other options honestly instead of having to react with a ‘lie’. Honesty is integrity, even in little things. But having said that, no one’s a saint all the time. So, the intention and consequence should always be taken seriously. I believe it’s not wrong to be different at different times – to play different roles - as long as the essence of who you are remains.

Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies (Psalms 23:12-13).

The Lord detests lying lips but delights in men who are truthful (Proverbs 12:22).

Who are your ‘Idols’?

2008-05-26T08:05:00.004+08:00

Have you been following the American Idol – the battle between the two Davids? David Archuleta vs Cook. Did the landslide results shock or disappoint you? I, like many others, was thrilled at the results having been rooting for David Cook, the rocker, all the way. I think no one else could beat him at originality – the way he gave new breath to songs like Micheal Jackson’s Billy Jean and Mariah Carey’s piece in the previous shows. While I think that the young and innocent looking David Archuleta sang like an angel with heartfelt feelings, he is already a prodigy and doesn’t need the title to prove his worth. The world knows them now; the rest is about following their heart. Well, that is my brief criteria of a commendable singing ‘Idol.’ But it does not end there. I was about to find my new ‘idols’ pretty soon.

The last 3 days and 2 nights, I was privileged to attend the Young Women’s Christian Association (YWCA) of Malaysia’s 26th Biennial Delegates Conference here in Kuantan, Pahang. The theme being “Women Leading Change: Making it Happen”. It was extremely hectic as our Kuantan association was the host. Nevertheless, it ignited passion in our hearts. My friend, Kavitha, and I were emceeing for the Dinner, with YB Pn Hajah Fuziah bt Salleh, MP of Kuantan as our VIP, and YWCA delegates from across the country. We even had YB Datuk Maznah bt Mazlan, Deputy Minister of Natural Resources & National Council of Women’s Organizations (NCWO) Vice President as the Guest of Honour during the Closing Ceremony. Miss Juwita Suwito, singer cum General Secretary of YWCA Malaysia was among those present. Not forgetting Mrs. Grace Lim, President of YWCA Kuantan, who pulled me in 6 months ago. In each of them, I saw ‘idol’ qualities that I would very much like to develop. These are among the numerous very busy people who are leading their lives with a sense of purpose; willing to make sacrifices for a good cause – to serve others and bring change for the better. However, I have yet to mention the 2 women, amidst many others, who inspired me the most during the Conference.

Me , Juwita , the youth

One is Ms Helen Read, International Entrepreneur & Managing Director of Ms Read (M) Sdn Bhd, who delivered the keynote address. The delegates hung on to every word she spoke as this single mother inspired us with her success and testimony of how little acts of kindness impact other lives greatly. When a petite woman of such high status showed emotion through her tears, and displayed such humility in her speech, every one was moved. It’s so true, what she said about the more you give, you the more you receive. It’s beautiful how being sensitive to the still voice of the Holy Spirit at the right time and place can go a long way. I’d like to quote her words of Mother Theresa : There are no great things. Only little things done with great love. And also her own words: Do something. Do it now. Don’t wait till tomorrow.

The other is Datuk Rasammah Bhupalan, one of the elected YWCA National Committee Members, an 81 year old lady who has contributed much to society, and continues to do so, still going strong. It was an honor to be in her group of 6 for reflection, and hear her experiences in service. For instance, fighting for equal rights for women who marry foreign men in terms of citizenship of children etc since 1969 till today; increasing awareness of the Malaysian Constitution; inculcating the “Bangsa Malaysia” ideology, fund raising and many more. The works of this woman who says “I’m not going to be around forever. I’m 81” definitely puts many of us young ones to shame, considering the physical strength and energy we are blessed with. I found myself setting my gaze upon her a lot wherever I saw her, to which she always responded with a smile. She is one of those champions who leave footprints in the sand.

Besides being stirred by the two very powerful women, my acumen was enlarged as I intently listened to the excellent panelists of “Current Issues from a Faith-Based Perspective” who were: Dr. Sharon Bong, a feminist from YWCA KL, Rev. Hermen Shastri from the National Council of Churches and Encik Hariz bin Mohamed Ibrahim, a human rights activist. Their talk was truly an eye-opener as they discussed current issues (eg: freedom of choice and human rights) with such openness. I’d like to refer to Encik Hariz’s term of the ‘Pontious Pilate mentality’ that many tend to have. The idea of “this innocent man’s blood is not on my hands” – when the Pilate, the Roman governor, sentenced Jesus Christ, who was not guilty of any crime, to death on the Cross. In other words, it’s the mindset of being unconcerned regarding decisions made simply because it does not directly affect us. I admire the passion En. In Hariz has for a universal cause and the sacrifices that he has had to make along the way. Similarly, the other two speakers advocated awareness on what is happening to lend a helping hand to whoever is in need, whether or not we are directly affected. The main point is to always support freedom, justice and equality towards humanity. And this is in line with all the major faiths of the world. Once again, I identified ‘idol’ virtues in each of them.

In fact, I could go on and on, about intrinsic worth that I observed in little acts like Dr. Sharon (the panelist) humbly bringing Kavitha and I a glass of water before we started emceeing, or making it a point to give us encouragement at the end of the Dinner. But I shall stop typing on the keyboard here. Truly wonderful people that I met during my time here – my stars. All in the example of our Christ who always championed freedom, justice and equality in the spirit of love.

1 Intelligence, 9 Lusts?

2008-05-14T07:35:00.003+08:00

When I went for my course to Malacca, I got a ride from a colleague, who was also heading there. A man in his forties, but looking 10 years younger, made interesting company throughout the 4 hours journey. Being a religious man who had recently completed his pilgrimage, he had plenty to share about his journey and beliefs. An excerpt from our conversation was about the differences between men and women. According to his beliefs, he claimed that women have 9 elements of Lust, but only 1 element of Intelligence. Men on the other hand, are blessed with 9 elements of Intelligence and 1 element of Lust.

This he says, explains why women go shopping and desire everything they see. They have a lot of wants. As for men, they can work their way around a lot of things and get out of trouble better and faster than women. Men are also better decision makers. “Is that why men are better liars and good at cheating on their wives?” I teased. “What about men wanting every pretty woman he sees? That was the single element of lust, I reckon, from his point of view.

Don’t get me wrong, I disagree with him. In our modern days and times, women are Directors and CEOs of large organizations, even top officials of countries. I don’t believe women could achieve such great heights if they possessed very limited intelligence. It was the issue of gender discrimination in the past era that denied women the equal opportunity to study and work. But having been treated fairly, the women of out times are able to shine. Lusts – women have a lot of wants. That is true. But so do men. It’s just the type of wants differ.

If my colleague’s point of view is ever true, then I must say that the combination of the 9 elements of lust that a woman possesses is equal to the single element of lust that a man has. The same would apply to intelligence. Assuming that my colleague is right in his own way, then I am compelled to say that a single part of lust in a man can blind his 9 of intelligence. And a woman’s single component of intelligence can overwrite the 9 of lust. The same applies vice versa.

Take for example the great figures in history – many male leaders of countries have tarnished their reputation and political careers simply because of a scandal with a woman. Even Samson and Delilah in the Bible – did he not reveal the secret behind his strength to a woman, causing his downfall? And Adam and Even in the garden of Eden? Did they not both eat of the forbidden fruit?Lust vs intelligence?

So, at the end of the day, I have to say that men and women may be very much different biologically, physically, and emotionally – but as far as lust and intelligence are concerned, they are pretty much the same.

A Time of Refreshing

2008-05-12T13:28:00.008+08:00

The past few weeks have been extremely busy for me. I hardly had the time to catch a breather from work and all those outstation meetings. Family Day in Rompin; Management meeting in Bukit Merah Laketown Resort, Perak; Finance course in the Academy, Malacca and the latest, Vehicle and log book maintenance course in Kuala Tahan, Pahang. Going places is fun and exciting, but those meetings that go up to 2 am is definitely draining. It has been 5 weeks since I haven't had the chance to attend church or return home for a weekend.

The heart was running dry, until once again, God gracefully granted me a time of refreshing, in one of earth's oldest rain forest with a history that stretches back to 130 million years ago – Taman Negara, Pahang. When I gazed my eyes upon the greenery that had existed generations before me, I was humbled. I felt like a drop of water in the river, and grateful to know its Creator. I was awestruck by His handiwork. It was my first time to that destination, and I was totally excited.

Our classes were held during the mornings and the nights (it was a 3 days, 2 nights course, by the way). During the free period, my best friend at work/colleague (the one who drives me) offered the adventure of 4-wheel drive on a route into the ‘orang asli’ settlement. The ride was almost 2 hours. Green, bumpy and seemingly never ending was the path before we finally saw other people from a distance. When I looked on my left, I saw the ravine. And on my right, were trees so tall with bark so white and smooth, some with branches that shaped almost into a rhinoceros. The element of risk was there as people said, if you’re ‘lucky’, you might run into elephants or other wild animals. Nevertheless, I felt secure knowing that safe hands held the wheel, and that there was a greater guiding Force from above. And on our way back, where the path was smoother, he let me drive! The only animals we saw on the journey were a wild boar, squirrels, buffaloes, and many cows. Not to forget the wonderful chat that we shared.

During the night, after classes, this guy drove us out to the nearest town – Jerantut. The ride there was slightly more than an hour. The 2 other ladies and I were very much surprised that the town was so alive after midnight. There was a ’dangdut’ carnival going on, with a bazaar. I bought myself 2 attractive shawls that cost only RM 10 each, which kept me a little warmer on the cold ride back to the forest. (It was extremely cold - even with long sleeves, a borrowed jacket and the shawls, I still wasn’t warm enough). We had ‘roti canai’ at a ‘mamak’ stall that was actually open 24-7. Who would have thought!

I was very chatty that night in the front seat of the Pajero (I guess I hit it off with the company) and I vowed not to sleep on our way back. They caught the first half of my sentence and used it a lot throughout the journey – “Saya telah membuat keputusan untuk tidak tidur.” They say I’m ‘pelik’ (weird) in a good way, with the words I use when speaking and the complicated ideas I pose. The ride back was supposed to be to brainwash me about the ways of ‘kehidupan bahagia’ (a happy life) they said, but it turned out that they were left with questions marks and found it amusing that my so called ‘hobi pelik’ like watching fireflies or sharing a carrot with my pet rabbit was happiness as a child – ha ha:P.

The short time of adventure was to reach its climax on Sunday morning. It was our time out as a team, after breakfast. My routine Sunday around that time would usually be attending service at church. Thus, I was determined to keep my heart and mind focused on Him, and I felt His presence on that walk with nature. We crossed over to the other side of the river, by boat. Then, we had a little hike into the premier national park to take our shot on the Canopy Walk – the world’s longest which winds over 400 meters into the forest canopy, showing off the rich and diverse flora and fauna that it encompassed.I truly loved that! What an overwhelming feeling to be about 45 meters above the ground – to touch the leaves and branches of the lofty trees and admire the grandeur of His creation. The song that instantly struck a chord in my heart was the best loved hymn, “How Great Thou Art”. A pity my best friend was terrified of heights, so he did not join me this time.

The forest guide took us on a longer boat ride on our way back to the other side. It was absolutely revitalizing to feel the breeze against my face, and to be completely drenched with water as we defied the rapids. The 35 of were divided into 3 boats. The other 2 were what we playfully called ‘bot jahat’(bad boat) as they were equipped with dippers and bottles to splash water on us whenever they had the chance. Their boatman was equally mischievous in deliberately speeding upon nearing us – giving each one of us a free river-water shower! That was truly fun – would have never felt the same in a small group. My best friend sat behind me and the other lady, in the boat. Every now and then, he would ask with a bright smile, “Suka, puas hati?” (Happy, are you satisfied?) My answer would be, “Suka, tapi tak puas…” (Happy, but not satisfied…) I wished the ride would go on and on…I felt that the ride which lasted not more than 30 minutes was too brief to capture the beauty of the surroundings. Nevertheless, I was grateful to be blessed with such an opportunity.

Upon reaching the river bank, that marked the end of our little adventure in the forest. Throughout my time in Kuala Tahan, closer friendships have been fostered with a few. I got to know the faces of staff from other branches and I learnt a lot on the course. Most importantly, His living water quenched the thirst of a withering heart.

When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,

And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.

When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur.

And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,

How great Thou art, How great Thou art.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,

How great Thou art, How great Thou art!
Carl Gustaf (1859-1940)

Vices of the Virtuous

2008-05-02T09:09:00.002+08:00

Do you watch “Desperate Housewives”? I do, if I happen to be free when it’s playing on television. It’s a secular show with not much (if any) values to emulate, and definitely not recommended for the young minds, lest they be led astray. Nevertheless, I feel there is a lot to be learnt, if you can read between the lines of the engrossing script.

I admit I used to be rather naïve, and watching this show has helped see the world as it really is - the wickedness of the human heart, and the things people do. I feel better equipped to deal with people that in the past, I might have perceived as ‘truly nice,’ without doubting their ulterior motive. When I watch the show, I question the ethics and reasons behind the things people to in the name of love, respect and what nots. What makes something wrong or right?

For example: a mother staging pregnancy to cover up her daughter’s out of wedlock child, so that the newborn’s future would not be ruined; a mother lying to her daughter to save her from memories of past hurts; a man pursuing a woman for political and social gain, and being so advised by his own father who also helps to deceive the woman of worth; married people committing adultery because the flame of love died out in their marriage; and the story goes on and on.

I have once again been reminded of the ugly truth in life – examples of what not to follow, lessons on what to avoid, and the shrewdness of the Devil in deceiving humans. Somethings are clearly either right or wrong; be accountable for own actions, pay the consequences of mistakes and learn from it, do not lie, and ensure purity in conduct. Why do we often fool ourselves by blurring the lines?

Vices of the virtuous – some things that are wrong become acceptable, custom behavior simply because we manage to rationalize and justify them to make them look good. Let’s be wary of them.

Undeserved Kindness

2008-03-19T14:19:00.004+08:00

Has anyone given you more than is required of them? Has someone unexpectedly been there to lend a hand? I'm sure there are. Sometimes even a simple smile can go a long way.

It’s things like this that keep our spirits high, when the everything else seems to bring us down. At work, for instance, it can get really frustrating when you assign someone a task, and they throw it back to you by coming up with excuses, then take leaves in an attempt to avoid responsibility. It becomes a game of passing the ball around, and it turns into your problem, because work has to go on. When things like this happen, it can get really disappointing.

Fortunately, there are memories of undeserved kindness that lift us up in moments like this. I remember when I had really sore eyes last year, my officer drove me to the health clinic. He could have just dropped me off and waited in the car. Instead, he accompanied me into the clinic, got me the forms to fill and waited till I was all settled. There was another time when my clerk was on medical leave. Although I was already informed, she cared enough to sms and remind me from home, about an event to attend, seeing that I had been very busy. Another time, I missed my lunch and looked exhausted, my staff came and offered me a nice piece of bun she had actually bought to take home. It wasn’t their job or duty to go to that extent, but the fact that they did, brings smiles and balances off the negatives. In fact, it encourages me to pay it forward to others.

Yes, undeserved kindness humbles us. Even more, this Easter season. Come 21st March is Good Friday. The day we commemorate the act of our beloved Saviour Jesus Christ who showed us the greatest example of undeserved kindness. He died for us while we were yet sinners. Imagine a King leaving the comfort of His Throne, to walk this earth and call us friend; to pay the price for our sins with His life that we might be made blameless. Following that, that we will celebrate with joy His Resurrection on Easter Sunday – where victory is won over the grave, and we are blessed with hope of life beyond with the Lord.

So my dearest brothers and sisters, let’s keep our minds focused on His love, and our hearts bowed at the Cross. Let us thank God for all the love that has been showered upon us through divine intervention, a familiar face or even a stranger. And may we continue to show His love to everyone around us, everyday, in whatever way we can.

Have a very Blessed Good Friday and Easter!

Romans 5:6-9 (New Living Translation, The Bible)

6 When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. 7 Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. 8 But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.

From J. Joanna

Breathtaking Tasik Kenyir

2008-03-07T08:04:00.011+08:00

This one on the left is my favorite. I think I look most natural because it was a candid picture, when I was just letting my thoughts flow with the water. I am not ussually photogenic, so when I feel I look good in a photograph, it becomes a treasure.

I was priviledged to attend a meeting and Basic Course on Photography in Tasik Kenyir, Terengganu, from the 29th February till the 2nd March 2008. I was in the organizing committe actually, and among the only 6 women out of 50 participants. During the course, the photography lecturer requested me and another girl to play the role of models. All participants were assigned to take shots of us, to be shared and commented on in the class later on. The guy beside me, Imza, took the most pictures of me, I suppose. He's the only one who gave me the pictures from his camera. And I love his shots - he's very creative, trying to capture water from my face etc.

I ussually shy away, but this time I agreed - I think it's because a very close friend made me realize that I should enjoy life a little bit more, instead of being so serious and self-conscious. And yes, I did have fun!:) I let my hair down, literally...I always have it up in a bun at work, so most of my staff saw a different me. Although I'm not the type to run here and there and come up with different poses, I did try to comply to the photographers' requests. Well, being photographed by so many cameras is actually a risk, but I just hope it's not subject to misuse.

They actually asked us both models to apply make-up, but for goodness sake, knowing we were going to be close to nature, we didn't even bother to bring cosmetics to Terengganu. All I brought was compact powder and transparent lip balm.

These pictures were taken in a waterfalls in an island called Saok. We went there by boat from our place of accomodation , which was in another island. The young girl beside me is the other model, and the other lady is my boss' wife.

A picture taken while on the boat. Beautiful scenery. It rained each time we had a boat ride, and I was drenched to my feet, but I savoured every moment of it - to feel the wind against my face is simply a priceless feeling. I was actually rather 'heart-broken' when I went to Kenyir (it's not uncommon for me to feel sad easily, by the way), and the trip really cheered me up. In fact, it brought out another side of me.

Besides the waterfalls, we hiked to a 'Herb Island' where you can find 'Tongkat Ali' and 'Kacip Fatimah' among others. I was persuaded to try two little glasses of 'Kacip Fatimah' - which is supposed to give 'more energy', and the others said we'll get married faster! Ha ha... But I didn't actually feel anything, except perhaps an easier climb uphill, as I didn't feel that tired.

Apart from that, I put my hand into the water and touched the fish (ikan merah, i think)that were being reared in the waters, and also saw that the famous 'ikan paten' (a delicacy here, that I don't quite fancy) was a rather attractive fish - blackish, greenish and silverish. There were also tiny fish that eat off dead cells from our skin, and I liked that light feeling.

Till I get more picture from other cameras, hopefully. Missing my time with nature! Take care.

Activating My Other Blog

2008-02-15T14:42:00.002+08:00

I've decided to activate my OTHER BLOG:

FOOTPRINTS @ http://angelonearth757.blogspot.com/
-or just click on the link on the right

My latest Article: HIDING IN A COCOON

Do feel free to post comments. Thank you:)

Is Age Really Just A Number?

2008-01-08T13:58:00.000+08:00

A 17 year old falling for a 24 year old? Is that acceptable, or more of a forbidden love?If the latter is a guy and the former, a girl, it would probably be alright. But what if it’s the other way round?Marriages between 2 people of ages apart, have been an acceptable practice since the time of our ancestors. In the olden Chinese culture, a 5 year old boy could be betrothed to a 17 year old girl or vice versa. In the Indian and Malay culture, we might find our great-grandparents being up to 20 years apart, in a very blissful marriage. Generally speaking, the husband is older than the wife. However, lately, age is seen as just a number to many. But is it, really?

Is it possible for an older girl (more than 5 years difference) to have a happy marriage with a younger boy? Consider this: 17 year old boy (John) falls in love with a 24 year old girl (Jane). John is still schooling. Jane is working. When do they want to get married? When John is 24? That makes Jane 31. When do they plan to have children? Does John really want to become a father immediately upon marriage? If Jane waits longer to conceive, won’t she pass her ripe age of fertility? A switch of roles, it is, as I see it. Jane would be the bread winner for a couple of years till he completes his studies. What about Jane’s own plans for future advancement? John would be just establishing his career. Can they really manage everything (finance, studies, children etc.) well?

If we look at it in terms of mental and emotional commitment, who can guarantee whether or not either will have a change of heart? If Jane abandons John when she’s 26, John still won’t lack suitors. As John grows up and matures in thinking, his feelings and opinions may change. If John fall in love with a younger college girl when he’s 22, that’s easy for him. But that leaves Jane single at 29. To really nurture a new relationship instead of rushing into marriage will take a few years. Again, she would probably marry at 31. While 31 is not exactly very old, it is not an age where a girl would be on top of the list in a proposal hunt either. Also think about the emotional anguish and the issue of trust that would impact on both of them, in future relationships with others, if ever.

Consider another case where Angeline is 24 and Sean is 37. At what age do they plan to marry? Is Angeline willing to become a mother, immediately upon marriage, just because age is catching up with Sean? Can Sean really wait longer? What becomes of Sean is Angeline suddenly leaves, as she’s still young? Are they both financially stable? Is it really practical and ethical for a couple to be ages apart?

We must also remember that society plays a part in influencing us. Will what others say eventually have an impact on the couple who is ages apart, and their children? If they believe they wont’t be bothered, that's fine. But are they really sure?

What about the issue of faithfulness upon marriage? 10 years down the road, beyond the first night and beautiful romances, when beauty fades and health decays, will they truly all happiness and sorrows share? Or will someone else offer more satisfaction to the eyes and body?

A very dear person once said “Love blinds. When love is true, looks and beauty doesn’t matter at all. The purity of the heart does it all…Love is pure and divine. Age is just a number.” Truly beautifully said. But for that to happen, a great deal of sacrifices need to be made…Happy are those to whom true love comes their way.

As for the answers to all my other questions, age is more than just a number. For the rest, only time can tell. If you ask me, in the position of the older girl, I would say, “ If you love someone (way much younger), let him go and see the world. Let him learn, and let him love. Give him more options so that he'll not regret a decision he made during the foolishness of youth. As we all know, feelings are just temporary, and change is constant.. If he still returns (I doubt it:P), you’ll know it’s true. If not, it’s nice to know a friend passed by your way...for his happiness, you can pray.”

Only those whose heart are bound to the Lord’s will be able to truly commit themselves to each other; to survive all the tests that will come with a relationship, what’s more for one beyond the norm of society. Hopefully, true love finds us all, God willing!

Friendships Never End

2007-11-30T12:38:00.000+08:00

I remember 6 months ago, when I completed my training in KL and had to head back to Kuantan for long-term work, my heart ached as I had to leave my friends with whom I had weathered rain and sunshine, literally. There was comfort, however, knowing that one of those good friends would be returning to Kuantan too. Today, my I feel exactly that same way again as he gets his long awaited transfer and leaves Kuantan for good.

This friend (some call him J) and I were in Kuantan, but different Ministries, prior to the training but we never spoke more than "Hi's" and "Byes" at church. During the training, we were grouped together, and that is how the threads of acquaintances among a bunch of us was weaved into beautiful colours. It's funny sometimes to think that since we returned from training and not attending the same chuch anymore, J became my best friend in Kuantan.

During the most streneous tasks in Police, Army and Fire training, J displayed his 'super-hero' qualities, being among the swiftest in running, most agile in climbing and strongest physically despite lean built. After almost every obstacle which most of us were half-dying, we would hear him say, "It's not challenging enough!"

There's one incident when J was my mountain climbing buddy (Army training) that I'll never forget in my whole life, I believe ; the time when J was hanging onto dear life on the cliff of a mountain in Johor Bahru, after posing for a picture. He leaned against a fragile branch and fell off the cliff, only holding a stump, nothing but his head and arm in view. In panic and fear, I was shouting out his name until few other guys came to his rescue, thank god. I can't imagine the consequences otherwise.

J has always helped me in times of need, esspecially in driving me to bus terminal, in a place where public transportation is scarce. I'll also miss those irregular meals we had together when we were free. And the nice feeling that there will be a familiar face during tea-breaks in the crowd of state meetings from various departments.When I was facing difficult tasks and people at work, J was there to support and advice. Frank in nature and firm in what he believes, his opinions are worth listening to, not necessarily meaning that I agree with everthing he says:P...He's someone you can count on...Little things like not cancelling our lunch appointment although he had eaten his fill at an open house, and coming out of the way to fetch me tells me of what a good friend I've found.

J was awaiting his transfer since the beginning and I just knew he would get it soon. When I prayed for his transfer, I knew that my prayers indirectly would leave me very much alone; no trustworthy colleague in the same service, in the same town, to discuss work matters that others might not understand. No game of chess or Chinese noodles on those long Friday noon breaks. Well, technology can seal the gaps of distance, but it'll never be the same...Turns out to be sooner than expected...but I'm really happy for him and his wife:)....Very Biblical; it's not good f0r man to be alone:P

By the way, he just got married to a very pretty lady (K)!:)

J, Congratulations once again my friend! Thank you for making time to let me meet up with your wonderful wife! All the best to you!

Anyway, I just want to take this opportunity to thank J for EVERYTHING!..And I just realized something: J did help me find another 'Best Friend' shortly before he left....He helped me buy my guitar, which has become my faithful companion every day...and as for the rest, God always provides:)

An old saying goes:

"A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter, he who finds one finds a treasure"

I thank God for ALL the ones He lead my way. The footprints will remain forever. Take care.

The Pursuit of Happiness

2007-10-18T07:39:00.000+08:00

The fresh dew rests upon the pretty leaves,

The sun is shining,

Flowers add color to a world of gloom,

A new day has come.

But why is it not enough?

The pursuit of happiness,

Is like an endless journey,

A trap to forget the present,

In expecting some epiphany.

To live for the moment,

To forget the past and move on,

To love and dream again,

To hope and trust,

Is just so hard to do.

-angeleye757-

Psalm 43:5, New Living Translation

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God!

Reminiscence of the village life

2007-07-16T15:19:00.001+08:00

My 6 months course has come to an end - if I could watch my life like a movie and could only pick one phase to replay, i would most definately rewind and watch the last 6 months again. My last 6 months consist of police, army and fire training, besides Outward Bound and mountain climbing activities, not forgetting all the indoor lectures, rules and regulations which we lived by till the end. The days of the greatest physical and mental challenges I have ever faced that resulted in the best times I have ever experienced have finally sent me back to where I began - Kuantan.

In reminisence, the final module that I had to go through was 3 weeks in a village in Besut, Terrengganu - 'Foster Child Programme'.During the programme, we were to experience the kampung lifestyle and carry out a research regarding the quality of living, and also organize a social event for the villagers.

I was placed in a rubber estate area with very elderly rubber tapper / farmer as my foster parents. I also had a foster sister in the house, aged 21. The village never had a non-malay as a resident, so I became quite a sight. The house was half brick and half wood - built by my foster father all by himself. I was given a room to myself, with a bed protected with mosquito nettings. That is the part i liked to most about being in a 'kampung house'. There was a little space between the zinc roof and adjacent bricks which allowed all sorts of insects to enter my room at night, ranging from big moths to smaller unsightly bugs. Under normal circumstances, I would never consider that room "sleep-able" but the presence of the mosquito netting made it altogether different. I would sometimes stay up late at night and use my foster sister's laptop to type my assignment. During that time, I would be surrounded by all kind of scary looking insects, even spiders, but I felt so secure within the pink mosquito netting, known as "kelambu" in Malay. No words can describe that pleasant feeling of safety, to be able to sleep through the night and find countless dead insects, unable to penetrate the nettings, looking down at me when I wake up in the morning...illustrated to me our trust in His shield also. The best thing about the nights is that I sometimes saw beautiful fireflies above my 'kelambu' as they passed through on their journey in the dark, while I laid awake, thinking of so many things....reminding me time and again of the beauty and peace of the Lord that I had forgotten.

The bathroom was very basic. It was the first time in my life that I used a workable toilet without flush. It was using the concept where the toilet was built in such a way whereby just a dipper of water flushed everything down. However, that bathroom door was made of wood and intentional peeping would be possible through the spaces in between the planks, and from the sides of the low zinc roof. And whether it's good or bad, they had no lights in the bathroom. Thus, I avoided to using the loo after dark. However, in the second week, I realized that the absence of light was to my benefit, and I had my evening bath only after dark, using my own little torchlight to light my feet and just to check the surroundings as I entered.

Language was a little bit of a challenge. The villagers spoke in thick Kelantanese accent as Besut is towards border of Kelantan. However, my foster sister who happened to study in Kuantan spoke normal Malay and she was my translator most of the time. Innially, I got a rude shock on my first day as in the house when my foster mother refered to my name tag as "tanda tetek" (direct translation : breast tag) which we usually call "tanda nama." Other terms are different from our usual Malay, but not so shocking. For example, when my 'mom' said " tubik kawan mu", I was blinking - "tubik" is call or ask, what we normally say "panggil."

Food was not too much of a problem, as far as the menu was concerned. My 'family' wasn't a fan of all those 'lemak' and 'santan', so I was saved. Thank God! They usually had steamed, soupy or lightly fried food. However, there were some elements that disturbed me, which I feel are not very nice to mention here, that reduced my apetite. Thus I did not eat much. However, because of the sincerity of their hearts, many times I forced myself, or tried my best to avoid in the politest way possible. Ussually it was by saying "I'm a very small eater, naturally" or that I only eat rice once a day, so that I can eat bread and kaya instead. In my final week there, my 'family' excitedly bought me one of their delicacies called "laksam' - laksa asam, which most people enjoyed. The gravy was grey( that is a put off by itself, as I like my food to have colour), and it was made of pounded fish and coconut milk! There were some leaves which were very fragrant to the extent of giving me a headache, and thick white noodles which reminded me of nothing nice. I was trying to avoid their presence saying that I would eat later, after they left for work, but no, they brought me a plate and sat around me, to watch me 'enjoy' that special delicacy!For goodness sake, this was supposed to be my breakfast! As they sat in front of me with eager eyes, I just knew I had to fake it...After all I had just a few remaining days with them and wanted to leave them with pleasant memories, so I became a little hypocrite, if it's not too harsh a word use. As I took my first spoonful of 'laksam', my tounge only the tasted the disgust that my mind had already conceived, but fortunately I managed to intercept my speech just in time in to force out a smile and say, "Boleh tahan, juga...Sedap..sedap..." To this, they smiled with ease,and I felt good, and this helped me proceed to finish half of the meal. But about half an hour after they left, I had an upset stomach.

I also learnt something from my experience with my village family. They don't say much but they notice a lot, and express it in different ways. They told me to help myself to anything in the house. Even when they bought food, I just ate a little and left the rest for them, thiking they would eat it later. But then, my father went over to my friend's place and worriedly said that he did not know what to do with me. I ate so little, I did not ask for anything and I could not be forced, and that my three meals would not even amount to a single of his in a day! He lamented that they served me something different everyday to see which one I would eat more, to know my likes, but then I maintained the same little amount everytime. When my friend related this incident to me in the second week, I knew I had to do something as I felt bad. So, when I liked something, like fruits from his orchard, I would deliberately make myself seen when eating. I soon found that my mom who did not speak much would bring me a plate of different fruits every now and then as I worked on my assignment quietly in my room. I was really touched by this woman who did not seem very friendly at first.

During my stay there, I also had many motorbike rides with my 'sister'. I am not a very brave person in that sense, and on my first ride, I was clinging on to dear life, as my sister took me around the kampung without a helmet. And as I saw many others riding without safety measures, I was shocked at their ignorance as these people were not beyond advancement. And for goodness sake, I am in the Department of Road Transport! That was the only transport available at the moment and I assumed that they didn't have a helmet. I didn't want to appear rude to ask. However, the next day, she was taking me out to town, and handed me a helmet, thank God! It was then that I realized their mentality of using the helmet not for safety, but to avoid summons in the town!

I had good times in Besut, going out with my sister and a few friends placed within the same area. We went to the Lata Tembakah waterfall which had a breathtaking view, my feet had a treat at the La Hot Spring, and we had a nice time out in the 'pekan' where the biggest shopping place was Econjaya, a reasonable departmental store, and oh, they had Watsons. As for my village area, my colleagues and I organized motivational and teambuilding games for examination students in the village.

There are many more things I could say, but I shall end here. As we promised our hosts in the village, we would share the good times but leave the bad times as we left the village. I thank God for all that He had allowed me to experience, learn and enjoy during my time there, and yes, I do miss them sometimes. Till I write again. Take care.

Pictures at Outward Bound School

2007-05-24T13:30:00.000+08:00

Canoeing!!! That's me with the pedal.

To the islands we head!

Evenings by the sea!

Upon arriving at sland destinations of kayak and whaler expeditions - Teluk Sekadih

The long-houses behind - our OBS accomodation. By the abandoned mine -campsite-Peak 300

At campsite

Rock-climbing

Pictures of Chilling Expedition

2007-05-24T13:15:00.000+08:00

View from the peak of Bukit Kutu

The walk back from Bukit Kutu - Kuala Kubu Baru, Selangor

Waterfalls at Gunung Ulu Semangkuk - Chilling River

At the peak of Bukit Kutu

Spiderman 3

2007-05-15T13:39:00.000+08:00

Two weeks ago, I was able to watch one of the most awaited movies on my 'must-watch list' - a movie that was a motivation to complete my outdoor modules - SPIDERMAN 3.

I think it was a simply remarkable movie, despite hearing many negative comments about it. I find the action part of it, not superbly impressive, but sufficiently thrilling. Being a person who believes that there is more to it than meets the eye, I just love the values and reality of human nature that was being portrayed by the characters.

I saw a Spiderman 3 advertisement that read "Hang on to the good in you or unleash the darkness within you." That is so true, not just for a superhero figure but for every average guy on the street. To give a superhero the choice to be good or evil, to make mistakes and realize his faults, to forgive himself as well as others, really brings out the human behind the mask. And it really made Spiderman a true hero in the end, when he chose to hang on to the good in him, and even attempt to save his 'enemy' from the trap of desire of power. I believe even heroes make mistakes, as they are not God. They also face the fight of good versus evil, and they have a right to be wrong. What matters in the end is the choices they make.

One thing in particular that really caught my attention in this movie was the introduction of the black spidey suit. To me, it represented sin and evil. Evil brings pleasure and power, and the more a person desires it, the more he is actually offering himself slave to it, contrary to what he thinks. There will come a point where it will become part of him, without he realizing it, and bring about his own destruction. Fortunately, Spiderman realized it early enough, although in his folly, he chose the black suit over his own several times, despite warnings about its nature. I think about times in my life, in little things, where small actions that brought about momentual pleasure would have actually lead to serious problems if I were not careful, or if God had not gently or harshly reminded me. To some, the black suit can be money, a person, women, material possesions, position of power or anything else. I could relate to Spiderman in several ways, and I am sure you can too, if you look at it this way.

I didn't like the part where Spiderman kissed the blonde without even thinking twice of its significance with his girlfriend - for goodness sake, it was 'their kiss'! Spiderman didn't even realize that it might have hurt his girlfriend's feelings. Besides that, I noticed that Spiderman wasn't sensitive enough to his girlfriend's feelings in trying to understand her on various occasions, and this kind of things can lead to relationship breakdowns in real life. However, his actions to risk his life fighting two against one to save his loved one, makes up for all his shortcomings, and proves the chastity of his love.

I like the ending where Spiderman's best friend choses to do good and help his friend in need, to the extent of laying down his own life. Truly, the value of love and friendship is shown in this movie.

Besides that, I like the angelic role of the grandmother who teaches love instead of revenge, who is always there to try to understand the problems that the young superhero faces. In our lives, I believe each of us have experienced moments when God sends the right person to say the right things to us just when we need it. It's just amazing.

All in all, i love the movie, the same way I loved Spiderman 1 & 2. Am looking forward to watch it again. To me, there are so many lessons to be learnt in it, and it is definately worth watching.

That's about it. Take care and God bless you.

The Ultimate Challenge - Fire

2007-05-11T13:18:00.000+08:00

The last two weeks were like episodes of fear factor for me, having to undergo my final outdoor module of fire training, in the Fire and Rescue Academy in Kuala Kubu Baru, Selangor. It was an experience that left an indelible impact on me, engraving a deep appreciation of the life of fire fighters.

The training comprised of various activities, the first one being B.A. Gallery for my group. B.A. stands for Breathing Apparatus. The B.A. gallery is an extremely dark room where one can't see a thing. It's a maze-like cage whereby the only way to get out is by crawling, with a breathing apparatus on our backs, and a mask stuck to our face. For your information, a B.A. weighs 25kg. But once I began crawling, I didn't really feel the weight. We entered the B.A. gallery in groups of 3. I was in the centre position, and our medium of communication was touch and sound. We were advised to relax before entering. I didn't think I was afraid, but somehow I could feel my breathing pattern change very drastically...Perhaps it was stress that I didn't feel I had. It was a good experience, as it increased confidence of being in complete darkness. Imagine if there were a fire, and we couldn't see a thing when attempting to escape...that is how we would be.

Right after B.A. Gallery, we had another activity called B.A. Familia. The purpose of it was for us to familiarise ourselves with using the B.A. To me, this was one of the toughest and heaviest. I have a small framed body, and the B.A. does not fit on my back perfectly. The shoulder strap tends to slide a little off my shoulders every now and then despite maximum tightening, to which my instructer said my size requires tailor made stuff. Anyway, we had to run fast with a 18kg B.A. on our back, breathing compressed air in a controlled manner so that it doesn't run out. We ran up and down three floors in 30 seconds. Upon reaching down, we had to do 30 push ups and 20 star jumps. Then we had to run to the field and walk on a moving 'bridge' and after that, crawl under it, and run back to where we started. It felt half-dead but I told myself, "You survived Battle Inoculation in the Army...this is nothing..." ...and I did it. But to tell you the truth, crawling in the Army is actually easier compared to this as the weight and controlled breathing makes everything more difficult.

That were two really heavy activities in a day. After that, we had a supposedly lighter activity - Water Rescue - which is scuba diving in a pool. It looked easy and fun, but for a person who can't swim, the water is not entirely enticing. To get into a pool where my feet doesn't touch the ground sure didn't give me confidence. Fortunately, the instructors were very nice and patient people. The chief instructer called me ' Standard 6 girl' and picked me to warm me up by floating. It wasn't too bad, and the diving suit actually aids floating, which I failed to realize at first. After that, another instructed helped me put on all the equipment and to the base we headed. It was a really cool experience to be underwater and see the corals that the instructers have placed. As usual, my B.A. (size M was the smallest available) was a little loose on me, and there were insufficient weights on me. When we were underwater I found myself automatically floating upwards after stepping on the floor. At that point, I lost sight of my instructer and I thought I was drowning...Ha ha...silly me! I completely forgot that I was breathing through my mouth, and that why I couldn't breath through my nose......But I managed to correct myself, and after a round under the water, my instructor led me up again. It will be an experiece I'll never forget. At the end of the session when everyone went to get changed, my officer happened to spot a few of us on our way to the bathroom, and asked us jump into the pool and swim across before changing into our dry attire. I didn't have sufficient confidence and just sat at the edge with my feet in the water, knowing it will never touch the base, asking him 'Do I really have to do this...I can't swim....." And the officer came behind me, and asked strictly, "Are you going in OR...." to which I quickly answered "I'll go in"....I just left myself down while holding strongly to the edges...It was then that I realized that the diving suit actually functioned as a bouyancy jacket by itself....And that my stern officer wasn't that heartless after all. He came to the edge, asked me to let go completely...then he held me from behind and while I just paddled across...it was a liberating experience.

I noticed that my officer picked on me quite a bit throughout the course. During fire extinguishing, he told my group that I must go last, after all the rest. And he made me come up in front and give an explanation on what the instructor just taught. If I failed to extinguish the fire correctly, it would mean that my whole group would fail...It put quite a little pressure on my. Fortunately, I extinguished the fire correctly in very little time, and we were all happy.We also had Rope Rescue - repelling...Upon reaching, my officer asked me to sing a Tamil song before he graded me.

When we first got our course schedule, I saw that Sewer Simulation was on the third day. I told myself that once I completed Sewer, it would be as if I've completed the whole training, because it is supposedly the toughest. This activity required us to crawl a dark sewer which is about 100m long, with our B.A., and it's not just about crawling in a tunnel. From one tunnel to another adjacent tunnel, a little bit of jumping, climbing and some sort of 'acrobatics' is required. It's not as simple as it sounds. In fact, part of that sewer was used as a challenge in Fear Factor Malaysia. As I began crawling in the darkness, I could feel my breathing change. I tried to motivate myself saying, "You only HAVE to do this once in your life....move on"...But once I got the hang of it, I began saying, "You only GET to do this once in your life...so, move on.." Somewhere in the tunnel, there's a 'Rabbit Hole" where we have to take off the B.A. and crawl because it is tiny. During that time, I accidentally knocked my face mask a little to the side, and a lot of my compressed air leaked out. A lot of was wasted and I ran out of it before reaching the finishing. When I finally reached the end of the final tunnel and saw a sunlight, I was delighted, but that happiness was short-lived. True, that was the end of the tunnel, but the the instructor was waiting to grade us four storreys above. I had to climb up that red ladder, and when I looked up, in that state of exhaustion, it felt as if the climb would take forever! But I took it one step at a time...with my hands and legs trembling, not of fear, but of drained out strength...When I finally reached up, my instructor said, "If Joanna can do it, there's no reason why anyone else cannot do it." And he gave me full marks for that particular activity...But I did feel a little of pressure being used as some kind of benchmark, being the smallest.

After these activities, we finally reached the stage of real fighting with fire. One was called Offensive Indoor Fire Fighting, where we had to wear a special protective suit, and fight fire in a container. It was extremely hot and I have never sweated that much in my whole life. I was excited to be in the face of a real big fire and have an opportunity to hold the nozzle of the hose. Another was Gas Leak, where we had to cease the fire two by two. My partner held the nozzle of the hose and created a water shield for me, while from behind him, I had to crawl and get really close to the fire and turn the valve to cease the fire. That was cool. Besides that, we had Gas Spill, which was a major fire. I could really feel the heat in my face being the second person behind the nozzle holder on the left side. The hose was really heavy, though. I had to support my 75kg weighing male team member from behind, and my weight of 42kg wasn't exactly serving the purpose..I found his weight overpowering the support I was trying to provide, because of the water pressure that was pushing him back, although another girl was supporting me from behind...but the real firefighter gave a hand to ensure everyone's safety.

Apart from that, we had Road Traffic Accident where we learnt how to break the parts of a car to rescue the victim. We had a another session on different ways to carry and rescue victims with the various stretchers. We had Night Confidence were each person had to walk for about 2km alone in the jungle to a specified location. We also had camping, flying fox and river crossing. For me, the heaviest of all was the Hose Operation where we had to run carrying hoses, which weighed about 10 kg, and perform duties of real firemen in a fire, as in coupling hoses and rolling them back after completion...Laborious! But extremely worthwhile.

I could go on and on, but time and the computer availability is my constraint. I shall stop here. Thank you for reading and forgive my errors. Take care.

To Serve, To Strive and Not to Yield

2007-04-29T14:27:00.001+08:00

"To Serve with Honour, To Strive for Excellence, and Not to Yield Under Pressure"

That is the motto of Outward Bound, Malaysia, and truly I discovered its truth in every challenge that was put before us in the Outward Bound School. I spent the last two weeks in Lumut, Perak, which turned out to be, beyond the shadow of doubt, the best days of my life. Words will never be enough to share my experiences and feelings throught my time here, but I will try my best to sum them up in a poem.

Reflections in Outward Bound,Malaysia

Two weeks have come,
Fourteen days have gone,
The best days of my life.
Days of forgotten dreams fulfilled,
Pushing beyond limits made me thrilled.

A feat for two in a little yellow canoe,
Twenty two kilometres under the sky with various hues,
The sea displayed different characters along the way,
With patience and determination,
My partner and I braved the waves.
The corals beneath were marvelous,
The majestic eagles soared above,
The beauty of life is just undeniably too wondeful.

The next challenge was jungle tracking,
A haversack, tent sheets, a gallon of water and ration,
Carrying a bag bigger than my size,
Could only be accomplished with motivation.
Five kilometres on foot,
To the highest peak in Lumut,
Was terribly exhausting,
But together we achieved,
And that was remarkably something.

An uncertain journey without a guide can be disastrous,
A good leader is like a highly sought diamond,
But only with willing followers,
does it sparkle with elegance,
and shine in darkness,
in the midst of chaos,
and light up days of triumph.

The whaler was an experience totally anew,
With 8 oars power, sails and an anchor,
15 on board, Aye, Aye, Sir, set sail the crew!
The winds were not in favour,
Time and tide waits for no man,
The heavy oars were not my service to deliver,
I controlled the jib sail where I could stand,
While the rest pulled the oars in labour.
One, dip, pull up! I sang loud to rythm,
One of a kind for a call command,
For the oarsmen to oar in unison.
My tune was quickly caught by all,
On our presentation night when we lulled our theme song,
Our unique pirate like ochestra,
The director commended as original.

Camping was always part of our expeditions,
A life back to basics made friends our brothers,
We cooked our meals and ate rationed food together,
Set up tents with seafront view and shared limited shelter,
We endeavoured both low and high times as a team,
I'll never forget the day a guy 'stole' for a night,
my tights of leaves design in striking green.
Funny moments make us laugh,
To forget all troubles that never last.

Rock climbing and rope course was no less challenging,
The giant ladder, hour glass, bell and free falling,
Showed hidden meanings of life,
And the great importance of trusting.
It's can be difficult to hang in mid air,
Even knowing that we are securely held,
But the greater responsibility comes in being a belayer,
Knowing your strenghth holds your friend's trust and fear.

The final challenge was solo camping,
Setting up my own tent, collecting firewood and making my own camp fire,
Was an experience undescribably exciting.
As I attempted to boil water in my mess tin,
I didn't realized a group of monkeys,
In silence ambushed me from above the trees,
My heart was racing but remembered the advice,
Stay calm and ignore and they'll soon depart.
I fanned my fire into flames,
And the heat soon chased them away.

The night passed terribly slowly,
I could not sleep a wink with my tent securely covered,
Causing me to sweat but I'd rather have that way,
Than to attract undesired creatures and insects.
Nevertheless I loved every moment of it,
A little bit of solitude is good for the soul,
The feeling of independance is as valuable as gold.

All in all I thought and learnt a lot,
Phrases and words linked to nature that I used in the past,
Even Scriptures and analogies in the Bible,
Now leave me with more meaning and deeper comprehension.
It is true that a journey with nature shows you the Creator,
Not only to know Him but also our own self better.
God designed us just the way we are,
With strenghts and weaknesses,
That are made perfect by His grace,
With a complementary effect that gives each team member,
A special and unique role only he could to play.

In front of the sea to lay on the sand,
With the sound of splashing waves and company of friends,
To watch the sunset in its glory,
With picturesque island scenery,
Made me feel complete.

To ease myself the middle of the sea,
And see jelly fish and squids swim by,
To bathe in the river and pee behind trees,
To feel small like Nemo in the open sea,
And like Frodo with the Ring,
On a path where the end cannot be seen,
Is something money can never buy,
A lesson that purpose comes with a price.

I may be small,
I may be weak,
But the heart and soul can bring me,
To greater heights I never thought I could reach.

There are places and faces I'll remember all my life,
These two weeks have given me the best of those,
Memories that I'll cherish forever,
God's love that will leave me never.

A war dog and I in the army

2007-04-02T22:33:00.000+08:00

Sitting beside me is a rather aged and domesticated war dog, after demonstrating how to salute, play dead and roll on sides. War
dogs are exceptional in the things they can do; detecting hidden drugs & even explosives, staying calm in a firing squad (this is not natural as dogs tend to tremble at the sound of fire crackers, i know as I've had dogs) in the jungle & the list goes on. Of course, all these amazing stunts are only possible after years of tough training.. which makes me wonder, is it fair for these dogs to undergo such hardship (though for a noble cause) and to be the chosen ones (not necessarily by their own choice) when others are having a loving family to play ball with, hugs when lightning strikes... But that's just life, i suppose.. Some of the soldiers I met in the army told me it was never their ambition to join the army, but were driven by necessity.. I asked them if they ever thought of quitting, after undergoing "hell-like" training, but they simply replied that there was no reason to turn back. This was the path that they knew they must travel, and they persevered with the right spirit... Many times in life, we can't chose, just like the war-dogs, be it in family, work..health..or even love.... Some paths must inevitably be travelled alone (with the Lord).. True, we have family & friends, but there are things they will never understand or be able to help... When flashbacks of the storms fill my mind, the Anchor is all I want to remember.. The Rock of Ages is everything that I need... We are humans, and unlike dogs, we have a much more of a choice on how 2 respond to circumstances.. May God help me to make right decisions, and to carry on with His strength.. For those who pray, please remember me. And the Lord be with you too...

What does 1 minute equal to?

2007-03-20T10:54:00.001+08:00

One thing i'll never forget about my Captain is the infamous question in the title. Before ambush, my team was late by just one minute to assemble after setting up our tents & cooking our rationed food. When we stood before him, he didn't shout or yell at us for being late. He calmly asked us the infamous question in a low voice, to which we replied, 60 seconds. And he simply said, "Squad position down. 60 push ups." Imagine doing that right after eating! A single second can be a matter of life or death in the army, what more a minute.. A good lesson on punctuality, and discipline.

Make-up, army style!

2007-03-12T13:47:00.000+08:00

Preparing to camouflage for ambush!

We were soldiers...for a week

2007-03-12T13:45:00.000+08:00

A week has come and gone...a week that was once greatly feared, but now cherished forever...a week that I experienced the best days of my life!...It's almost indescribable...

Day 1
My batchmates and I departed by bus from our PJ Intan campus to Pusat Latihan Tempur Darat (PULADA) in Johor at 8.00am last Sunday to begin a week's training as soldiers. The journey lasted almost 6 hours with intervals along the way. With signboards indicating that we were almost reaching the most awaited destination, I wished with all my heart that the ride would not end so fast. My heart was filled with mixed emotions...On one hand, I was excited about the military style training that I was about to commence, and on the other hand, I feared that my feeble body may not be able to bear it. The previous batches had given us a very scary description of their experience as soldiers, but one side of me was nevertheless very eager to go through it..somehow a voice within told me it wouldn't be that bad... But to put it simply, I prepared myself mentally for the worst.

Finally, we reached PULADA around 12 noon, where we were ordered to stand in the marching field. The commanders were shouting at us, and at that moment, it felt like the gates of hell had just swallowed us in. As we were divided into our platoons, each of us were asked to swallow a pill which is supposed to prevent malaria. Simultaneously, we were given a back-pack which contained survival necessaties to carry with us, and also an army t-shirt, which unfortunately was too large for me. I came to PULADA with my own back-pack, a carry bag containing the army boots, belt and beret, and ironed clothes in hanger, in my hand. The additional luggage was too much for me to handle. Fortunately, the guys in my platoon helped me carry my load to the hostel.

The hostel we were given to stay was actually the hostel of Australian soldiers. It was like a dormitory. 2 were allocated for girls. The first one was full by the time I reached, which turned out to be a good thing. The first dorm fitted about 45 girls, and the second one, only 5. So 5 of us late comers enjoyed the privacy for 5 to a dorm. There were two common bathrooms for girls, which was pretty decent. The guys dorm was just opposite the girls'. As soon as we unloaded our stuff into the hostel, we were asked to board a bus to the training area which was 3 minutes away, by bus, to have our lunch.

I heard from previous batches that the first activity after lunch was crawling and side-roll. Both which caused nausea. Thus, I limited my intake of food, and was very particular to avoid oil and spices. I had also brough medicine to prevent vomiting. However, after eating lunch, I told myself that I want to go through it like a soldier, for that is what I was there for. I would never know my limit if I never went through it without the medicine. Thus, I left the medicine behind.

True enough, the first activity was crawling (aka jalan biawak) for a 100 metres, and back to origin. That is when I obtained my first souvenirs from the army; bruised elbows, which have yet to completely heal. After crawling halfway through, i felt completely exhausted and felt that I could not go on. But as I heard my platoon mates supporting me from the finishing line, I pushed myself further, despite the pain felt in every part of my body. When I reached the finishing line, my fingers were beginning to become numb, and my head was spinning. I felt like fainting, but told myself, 'Joanna, this is just the beginning...you must not faint. No, not now! Jesus,help me.." I didn't give in..I started massaging my own fingers and kept moving. Thank God, after some minutes, I felt better.

Following this came the most feared activity of the day - side roll!!! Imagine having to roll a 100 metres side ways! As I started rolling the first five rolls, my head already began to spin. The warned us against closing our eyes as it would cause a black-out. Somewhere along the way, I began rolling towards the side instead of up-front, and my platoon was calling out my name, asking me to stop and re-allign. As I stopped, and sat up...my God, I felt that I would faint any minute! The whole field seemed to be spinning and I could not position myself, but did it somehow through their directions,and continued rolling! And rolling, and rolling! By this time, rolling became somewhat an unconscious movement, where I found myself just rolling automatically without having to push myself.
When I reached the finishing line, my facilitator was waiting. "Joanna, jump right up and look at the sky. Don't look down. Keep on jumping!" He said. It felt impossible to do, as every step taken was on a revolving world. The important thing was not to give in to our feelings...to fight it was the key! I followed the advice, and lo and behold, after a few minutes, I felt just fine. I looked around and saw many vomitting, and in a daze, but I survived without vomiting, without medicine! My faith in God and confidence increased. I was also amazed at the capabilites of the human body to go against the ordinary and adjust back to normal just fine. Simply remarkable!

Those were the highlights of day 1. At night, we had interesting lectures...

A Captain I'll Always Remember

How many times in your life have you met someone with a kindred spirit? To me, a couple of times, but this time, it think, it was one in a million! The Captain from the army, assigned to head my platoon was not only left-handed as I am, but also shared the same birthday, which I only found out on the second last day of my military days!

Actuall, since the very first day I saw my Captain, there was something inexplainable about him that caused me to like him very much. It's not like some teenage crush or anything like that..more of a 'bond' which said, i have not known you before, but something tells me we have a lot in common. I mentally guessed that he must be born in March too, and observed that he was left-handed as well, as he handled the guns. I also observed him observing me, and that made me feel that the feeling was mutual. I truly respected and admired my Captain, for the physical strenght and agility he displayed, but he was extremely strict. I feared him, but could smile when punished, because I just liked him so much. He's a Malay guy, in his mid thirties.

When we had to practice holding the M16 gun single-handedly, I struggled very hard as it was heavy. I was the smallest in my platoon, and I could see him obversing each move I made. Suddenly, he came from behind and called my name...I kind of panicked, and he asked me, "Your really lefr-handed too?"..."Yes, sir!" was my reply. Then he taught me how to hold the gun properly, and 'adjusted' my shoulders and showed me how to position my body correctly, all without a smile, but complete seriousness. I was grateful, but of course, physical strenght was my limitation. "You need to do 100 push ups every day", he said sternly..I actually smiled, ha ha...

In the jungle survival village, we had ambush during the night, where we had to keep vigil and fire when we spotted our 'enemy', which of course was our Captain in disguise. I seriously never slept a wink, being on the lookout all the time, but when it was time to fire, my gun got jammed after the very first shot. Our captain then asked us all to get out of our hiding position, because obviously we hadn't fininshed our bullets (dummy ones)...I was very scared, as he ordered I hadn't finished mine as ordered. I told him my problem with quite a shaky voice (having cough at that time too). My Captain then took the gun from me, and pretty soon realized that it was really the gun's problem, and not mine...So he fired each remaining bullet for me, as it got jammed each time after he unjammed it.

On the second last day of our military week, we had night of performance in Puteri Pan Pacific Hotel, in Johor Bahru. It was a dinner function where we 'cadets' and the 'army staff were supposed to sit together in various tables to mingle...Each of us cadets had to leave an empty seat beside us in a table of 10, for the staff of the army. Throughout the journey to the hotel, from our base, I was hoping so much in my heart that my Captain would sit at my table, so that I could at least get to know him a little better...To my excitement, I saw him being ushered by my colleague saying to him, "Here Sir, you can sit beside Joanna." I was so thankful in my heart, but of course, I reacted as if it was nothing...ha ha....

This was my chance of a lifetime! He was extremely quiet and I decided to start the ball rolling. My first question was, "How is it like being a left-handed, handling the guns and all?"...Then, I had the audacity to ask him, are you always fierce and strict, to which he smiled and replied, "This is all a show. Just pretence.."..Somehow the topic slowly evolved to birthdays, and I asked him if he was born in March, to which he replied 28 March! I got a total shock, "That's the same as me!" I said...He just smiled and said he already knew. He had read my biodata. He later turned to my friend beside him and said to her that he was a lot like me...quiet in nature and all..He even showed me his fiance's picture.... That explained everything :)

In the morning of our second last day in the army, we had an activity called 'battle inoculation". We had to crawl under barbed wire, with small rivers on our right and left, and life bullets flying over our heads while explosives exploding beside us, and the ground shaking. I was having flu and cough, and as I crawled, I don't know just how much sand and river water from the explosion that I had swallowed! Towards the end of my crawl, I felt that I could push myself no more, and my platoon mate who had already reached simply dragged me by my uniform...I have so much to share on this but I'll focus on my Captain here, as of now, due to time limitation...My Captain was observing this I suppose, and as we lined up upon completion, my Captain came in front of me and called my name again...Once again, my heart trembled...I thought that he was going to scold me for being the last to reach in my platoon, and say that I caused my platoon to lose (actually, in the end my platoon won, and although I was last, I was still earier than the last persons of the other platoons, by 3 minutes)...And guess what my Captain said..."Joanna, you've got to eat more. Do you understand?"...That statement just made my day:)....

On the last day, a pity, my Captain wasn't around, so I smsed him a thank you messge, for everything. he replied and gave me very sound advice as last words. He said that I was quiet just like him, and we tend not to make our way to the top through popularity or 'boot-licking' which is good...Just be yourself and do your work well, don't follow others, he said...Very sound advice indeed...Truly, he will be a Captain I'll always remember:)

.....TO BE CONTINUED.....

We were soldiers

2007-03-12T11:11:00.000+08:00

Picture taken after setting up our tents and cooking our own rationed food, shortly before all-night ambush in the jungle began.

Reflection: Chilin' Expedition

2007-03-11T19:49:00.000+08:00

This is my favourite assignment since I began this course and I would like to share my "Reflection Paper" with you.

For our “Modul Kecerdasan dan Kecergasan Diri,” our ‘Sidang E’ chose Gunung Ulu Semangkuk and Bukit Kutu as the destinations, which were located beside Fraser’s Hill in the Selangor / Pahang border, along Sungai Chiling. It took us about 3 hours to climb up Gunung Ulu Semangkuk and another 3 hours to descend. As for Bukit Kutu which was a lot more challenging, we spent 6 hours climbing up and another 6 hours coming down. I have obtained an unforgettable experience through this expedition and have learnt many lessons which I am proud to share in this paper of reflection.

It is said that if one gets close to know nature, one will get to know to God. I found this exceptionally true as I ascended and descended the two mountains. With each step taken to climb up, I was in awe of the greatness of God in creating the world and all that is in it; the trees of various sizes, shapes and designs, the plants, the insects, the sky above, the sun and the ground, the air we breathe, and how everything works together in synchronization in this universe, at His command. I was also gained more understanding of the concepts used in religious scriptures and how they related so perfectly to nature. For example, the concept of stepping on solid ground to prevent from falling which means to keep our spirit strong to prevent vice, was so evident in nature when I stepped on soggy ground and almost fell. I also remembered other promises of God that He will send his angels to catch us lest we dash our foot against a stone, so many times when I almost fell.

Apart from that, once again, I was able to experience the truth that no man is an island. I could really feel the esprit de corps among each and every team member as we motivated each other to complete the climb when we fell exhausted and the peak seemed too high to ever reach. The stronger ones helped the weaker ones climb by reaching out their hand to pull others up, our pushing the back from behind. Our team leader, Adi Faizal, was exceptionally a motivational leader and he kept telling us that in another 10 minutes, the mountain path would not be so steep. And when the ten minutes had passed, he would say, in another 15 minutes time, the path would be easier. Although at the back of our heads, we knew he was just saying it to motivate us and was not really true, it indeed did help motivate us and was exactly what we needed; a hope to go on. Every now and then, we took breaks to recollect our energy; we shared what whatever food and drinks we brought. When we finally reached to peak of both mountains together, the feeling was just indescribable! We had made it together, and would not have done it without each other.

There is a saying that goes, ‘The mind is the battlefield. We either win or lose the battle in the mind.” This proved itself to be remarkably true as I ascended and descended both mountains. At several points, the hill seemed to be almost 90 degrees steep and I wondered if I would ever be able to make it up. I told my mind I could do it, and that I would do whatever it takes to make it. I was on all fours like a ‘spider woman’ for God knows how long, and I did not even think of looking down. As I saw the ones before me making their way up little by little, I motivated myself that if they could do it, I could do it too. The human body responds and reacts to what the mind says, and if the mind gives up, even the strongest will fail.

Besides that, I developed a greater appreciation towards the human body. Initially, I wore hand gloves to protect my hands but removed it when I felt very warm. I was amazed that the tender skin on the palm was able to provide such good grip of the tree trunks and branches. Even when I was on all fours like an animal, my hands that I thought were feeble were able to support me so well. When I felt that I had no more strength to go on, my ankles and legs were still able to take me up and down safely. I was once more amazed at the workmanship of God in making humans fearfully and wonderfully perfect for every function we could think of. I repented for the times when I belittled my own body and was extremely thankful to God for the body He has given me.

There is a song in the musical ‘The Sound of Music’ which goes, “Climb every mountain, ford every hill, follow every rainbow, till you find your dream..” I was able to fully grasp the meaning of these lyrics in the Chilin’ expedition. I was able to relate this song to dreams of success, the fear of failure and expectations. There were times in the climb when we going all uphill and we could almost see the sunlight so clearly. I was thinking that we were going to reach the peak at almost any moment, only to find that all of a sudden, we had to thread a valley downhill. It made me remember that along our way to achieve success, the path is not forever uphill; there are times when we will have to go downhill to again before reaching the top. If things in life do not happen exactly according to our expectation, God has other plans and there are reasons for it. There are lessons we must learn on the way. God has equipped humans with indescribable capabilities and potential, but sometimes we do not even try to push ourselves because of the fear of failure, and we do not have enough confidence. What is important in life is that we will always face challenges but we must not quit, as the poem goes, “When the road you are trudging seems all uphill, rest if you must, but do not quit.” And when we finally reach the top, we must remember that it is not our final destination. Our journey will never end as long as we breathe, and we must never forget how we reached the top and the lessons we learned.

All in all, this ‘Expedisi Chilin’ has been extremely beneficial to me and I will never be able to forget it. It has been inscribed in my heart and I will always cherish the wonderful relationships forged among friends and team mates, and the wonderful teamwork displayed through this expedition. My self-confidence and endurance has increased, and I feel stronger. This expedition has made me push myself against my own limitations and helped me realize that we are actually more capable than we think we are. I am also very thankful for the organizers, INTAN, for creating a module such as this.

Up Close & Personal: PTD & PDRM

2007-02-11T22:20:00.000+08:00

That's me on the stage on Mes Night. The function began at 8.30 pm and ended at 11pm, after which the dance floor was open. I just joined in for `poco-poco`, a very famouse Indonesian dance with steps similar to aerobics, had a slow dance with a malay guy and just sat down and watched happily while the rest enjoyed the fast dances and ' dangdut'. After that, we could proceed to the Mes Corner upstairs(like a lounge with a bar, 32 inch TV, karaoke lounge, snooker room, carom and dart board) where we were allowed to enjoy ourselves all night long. After 12.30am, i returned to my room to pack my stuff as we were to leave the next morning at 8.30am. Then, my roommate, Thila and I went to the Mes Corner. There I played carom for more than an hour, strummed a tune on a guitar, sang a few songs on karaoke, learned a bit of snooker and threw a few darts, and left at 5.30am. By then, the initial group of over 40 was reduced in number. My roomate & I were the only girls around with about 6 other guys. Ha ha.. I don't think i have enjoyed myself that way in my whole life! If there's one other thing i have learnt in this course besides discipline, teamwork and following orders, it is how to let my hair down and enjoy myself!:-)

An Unforgettable Night

2007-02-11T21:54:00.000+08:00

The senior officer in the force requested us, the Indian community of 5 to put up an Indian performance on the Mes Night, and so we had to. Innitially, 2 the girl on my right, Shan, an Jacob, on my left were supposed to sing while Thila & Alan (the tallest) were to dance to our song, in 2 days' practice. Before practice, in the karaoke lounge, i sang Edelweiss just for fun, and to my surprise, received many compliments, and was encouraged to sing the Tamil song. On the Mes Night, Jacob had a terrible soar throat an completely lost his voice. This left Shan and I to a duet. I never really thought much of my voice, and I have never sang a tamil song in a duet in public before, but decided to go for it for the experience. Thila and Alan danced with so much flexibility and energy, just like the hero and heroine in a tamil movie, to the fast beat song called 'Kathal Pisase'. Jacob became our technician..in his whispers..he he.. My university friends must be really shocked to hear this as they never heard me speak a word of tamil, and here am I singing a hot tamil song on stage, ha ha:-P. I think it would not be too much to say that the vibrant dance was the most entertaining performance that night, to the extent of the VIP getting up and shaking hands with us right after our performance! We were really worried about making a fool of ourselves, but thank God, all went well.

Mes Night in the PDRM Banquet Hall

2007-02-11T21:21:00.000+08:00

My batch is the 1st to experience a Mes Night. According to tradition since the British colonisation, the Mes Night was organized to celebrate success and victory. The police force organize this dinner in conjunction with our completion of the police module and the certificate giving ceremony. The dresscode is Mes Kit (aka monkey jacket), formally known as No. 1. The suit was specially tailored for us and costs RM 500. It's a 3 piece suit, consisting of a black, fitting cheongsam with songket collar, a songket girdle style belt and the white monkey jacket. The ceremony included a the carrying of the police flag, accompanied by 2 bagpipers. After that, a decanter was passed to each other 2 fill our glasses with 'wine'( something like the taking of communion) followed by a toast to the King and to the police force (with the national anthem and police song in the background). Truly, I have never felt so proud of being an Administrative & Diplomatic Officer! Being seated at the banqueting table in the presence of the VVIPS, hearing the bagpipers playing a royal tune, dining like fine ladies & gentlemen, i just felt totally honoured to be there. I do not know when I will get the opportunity to wear my No. 1 again..Even if my RM 500 suit were to be worn for just once, it was worth it. The experience was priceless:-)

FRU in Action!

2007-02-11T20:55:00.000+08:00

FRU in Action! The Federal Reserve Unit came to the police college to show us a demonstration of how they disperse crowds to maintain public order. It was just awesome! The way the unit moved strategically according to command, their agility in their complete uniform weighing 30kg, their strength and commitment. They started off with a thundering warning by the commander using a hailer : "Bersurai sekarang atau kekerasan akan digunakan", followed by water cannon, and hitting with the 'baton' and the last resort would fire (which they have not used to now). I took the chance to pose with one of the officer's shield.:-)

Vector SP 1

2007-02-11T19:42:00.000+08:00

Can't imagine me with a gun? Here I am with Vector SP 1:-). That picture was taken during our practice and there is great responsibility in handling weapons as it involves lives. Being a leftie, i found it a little difficult or slow in following instructions in switching hands etc..A few others and I had to do push-ups as punishment for failing to strictly follow orders. I was talking to a police officer and he said that he was literally walloped by his officer while training for pointing the gun the wrong way. Btw, i was punishd 4 looking at the gun 4 a few seconds when askd 2 put it down. I didn't do it on purpose, i jst felt a voice in a distance after being deafened briefly by the bullet explosion. However, to a large extent, i do agree with physical punishment in weapon training coz it tames the mind to remember, & when live bullets and lives r involved, u can't afford to take chances. The weight of the gun caused my feeble hand to shiver, but i passed the test nonetheless, and for that at least, I am satisfied.

Symbols of Honour

2007-02-11T19:23:00.000+08:00

I never knew that the buttons on the police uniform were not sewn but had to be self assembled, nor that the marching shoes were embedded with studs at the sole. It's a must to wear the uniform completely and correctly. It was amazing; the amount of progress my platoon made with 2 hours under the sun! Innitially, we were like scattered sheep but managed to march in unison, to say the least and listen to commands:-) I made some mistakes here and there but the commander corrected me gently and with respect, to my surprise and gratitude. I thought I would be embarassed in public, being in the front row, knowing my own weaknesses in marching, but there was kindness:-). I know that in the army, i must brace myself up 4 'torture', but let me enjoy the police force while I can. I admire the police officers' discipline and am priviledged to experience it for a week.I feel honoured 2 hv d opportunity 2 wear the police uniform in the Royal Malaysian Police College! My uniform is oversized, though:-( Lectures r informative n entertaining:-). There's nothing more refreshing to a thirsty mind than an excellent speech. The top officers just hv that X-factor.

A Night with the Traffic Police

2007-02-07T21:04:00.000+08:00

Today, i had the once in a lifetime experience of being a traffic enforcer in Jalan Sultan Ismail, KL. I managed to stop 4 motorcyclists without a valid license / roadtax.. One particular offender had a P license and his g/f was his pillion rider. Ha ha..he smiled sheepishly..like a child caught stealing a biscuit from a cookie jar while I inspected his identifications.. The whole experience was cool:-) Btw, i think you can spot me as the smallest in the picture:-P

1 Night with the Traffic Police

2007-02-06T11:54:00.000+08:00

Today, i had the once in a lifetime experience of being a traffic enforcer in Jalan Sultan Ismail, KL, from 10pm till 2am. I managed to stop 4 motorcyclists without a valid license / roadtax.. One particular offender had a P license and his g/f was his pillion rider. Ha ha..he smiled sheepishly..like a child caught stealing a biscuit from a cookie jar while I inspected his identifications.. The whole experience was cool:-) Btw, i think you can spot me as the smallest in the picture:-P

Discipline is all that matters

2007-02-05T19:47:00.000+08:00

That's me in the marching uniform:-) I never knew that the buttons were not sewn but had to be self assembled, nor that the marching shoes were embedded with 'nails' at the sole. It's a must to wear the uniform completely and correctly. It was amazing; the amount of progress my platoon made with 2 hours under the sun! Innitially, we were like scattered sheep but managed to march in unison and listen to commands:-) I made some mistakes here and there but the commander corrected me gently and with respect, to my surprise and gratitude. I thought I would be embarassed in public, being in the front row, knowing my own weaknesses in marching, but there was kindness:-) I admire the police officers discipline and am priviledged to experience it for a week.

1st Day in Uniform

2007-02-05T13:35:00.000+08:00

I feel honoured 2 hv d opportunity 2 wear the police uniform in the Royal Malaysian Police College! My uniform is oversized, though:-( Lectures r informative n entertaining:-). There's nothing more refreshing to a thirsty mind than an excellent speech. The top officers just hv that X-factor.

The way, the truth and the life

2007-02-02T12:53:00.000+08:00

I remember mentioning in one of my previous posts that I got some insights about the way, the truth and the light which night-walking through the jungle in Bukit Cherakah in the mid January. While I was enjoying the night-view of God's creations, here are a few points that came to my mind on the trail.

The Way
In the dark, everything appears more dangerous than it really is. On our night-walk, all participants were asked to dress in dark navy and no lights of any kind were permitted. The only light was the star-lit sky, and the only thing we could really see was probably each other's shoes, if it was white. Up to now, I do not know who was the kind boy in front of me who held my hand evey now and then to guide me up the diffult paths. Coming back to darkness, the paths looked really dangerous and every step seemed to be a huge risks. Our guides in front warned us in advance to keep to the left or to the right, to avoid falling into the deep lake. Back then, it looked as if with one wrong move, I would drown for sure! (being a non-swimmer). Well, it's true that the paths were rather adventurous and could cause harm if we side-tracked, but it sure wasn't THAT dangerous, in the morning light. Apparently, we had ample space to keep safe. All I needed to do was to follow the right way, and I would be safe.

That's the way with life too. As I looked back into my past, I realized that there were many times that I allowed darkness to trick me into believing the hopelessness of my situations, instead of seeing in the light. Now, when I look at it in the light, with God as my guide, it wasn't THAT bad after all. All I needed was to follow the Way.

Sometimes, the truth is to trust
During the night walk, I learnt the meaning of trust in a more practical way. Some of the paths were really steep and slippery, but our leader in front warned us before we reached. I listened to the leader's voice and took his words for it. I also learned to trust the stranger (team-mate) in front of me for it was the only choice I had. For some reason or other, in my personal life, I have always tried to rely on myself for experience has taught me not to place my trust in man (although also I do strongly believe in teamwork). However, in the dark, all of us needed one another. When the paths got really slippery and we were in the swamp up to our waist, to my rescue, the Malay guy in front of me would hold my hand and say, " I think you need help,"and all 4o of us, as pairs, would make it through together as a team. At one spot, a huge tree trunk was in the way, and my legs weren't long enough to climb over it. Once again, the I heard the familiar phrase, "I think you need help" and he carried me safely to the other side. Even as I was going through this whole journey, I felt convicted in my heart for not fully taking Christ at his Word, which never changes, at various points in my life. Jesus is the Shepherd that guides us and we hear His voice. He is the Truth, but I felt ashamed at being able to fully trust the words of a human, but not my Saviour, and I apologized to God.

The Light
Every once in a while on the trail, the guide from the jungle (if he passes by) would shine his bright torch across the surrounding area for a few brief moments to give us a rough idea of where we might be. Along the path, I was also captivated by the beautiful fireflies and other lumminant leaves (or insects, i don't know) which made the look like it was simply glowing in the dark. However, in advance, the forest guide had already warned us not to touch or follow anything that attracted us in any way. It could be dangerous, the said. We were also warned not to heed any 'unknown voices' or speak to 'unknown people' if we encountered such on our way, for such situations had resulted in people getting lost in the past. We could, however trust the starlight in the skies and and lights of our guide's torch, which guaranteed credibility.

It's the same with life, isn't it? Not all that glitters is gold. Evil does not necessarily only take the form of darkness. Deception can be involved, but the true Light will reveal all deception and lead the way.

More than just a walk
All in all, the night-walk through the Cherakah woods left me feeling great when we finally found our way out around 2 in the wee hours of the morning. I felt stronger and more confident about my physical strength to go through the woods in the dark, for several hours, and the risks that surrounded it. A closeness with my team-mates also began to develop. But best of all, I felt that as I walked, Jesus was holding my hand by my side.

Take care and have a nice day! God bless you:)